Episode Two
Seeing his parents mugged to death when he is six years old, embittered creep Bruce Spruce pledges to devote his life to fighting crime. After fifteen years of training he embarks upon his crusade, but the strain of battling evil all night and posing as a millionaire playboy by day proves too much, and within three weeks Bruce is hooked on amphetamines. He dies a broken man, foiled by villainy's ploy of timing many crimes to happen simultaneously, and his crafty butler is able to sell his secret equipment at enormous profit and negotiate himself an executive position in Twodor's defence labs.
Meanwhile, in the faraway town of Akansaxchukabuk, Princess Breasts is confounded in another escape attempt, unaware that a mysterious cloaked figure is planning to spring her from the outside.
(Scene: Princess Breasts' cell in the heavily fortified tower. Her captor, Rochangrafel, crumples a chisel in his meaty paws.)
ROCHANGRAFEL: Breaching the window would have done you no good, my lady. It is a hundred foot drop to the ground.
PRINCESS (defiantly): I'd have made a rope from my blankets, you oaf.
ROCHANGRAFEL: This is a duvet, Princess.
PRINCESS: Ten thousand curses.
(Knocks rap upon the door. Or raps knock. Whatever. Rochangrafel unlocks the cell. Enter Captain Raxinfraxin.)
PRINCESS (dumbfounded): Captain Raxinfraxin - I thought you were dead.
RAXINFRAXIN (oilily): No, my dear. You are thinking of somebody else.
PRINCESS: Perfidious fiend. What would you mean have done with me?
RAXINFRAXIN (scornfully): Inhibiting clarity will not help you, Princess. You will remain here as a safeguard against strong feeling over my becoming Lord Protector in the absence of your father. In that case I will marry you to secure my position.
PRINCESS (with steely resolve): Insidious devil. You will never win. I shall not rest until I have escaped and exposed you. And if you intend to use me for political means, think again. No threat or wizardly incantation will make me betray my people.
(A pause.)
RAXINFRAXIN: Right, fine. (To Rochangrafel.) Have her killed. (Leaves.)
PRINCESS: Christing puce.
(Cut to edge of swamp surrounding tower. Cloaked figure and mercenaries discuss tactics while the Spirit of Ash looks on smartly.)
FIRST MERCENARY: With my Cloak of Darkness I shall lurk in the shadows.
SECOND MERCENARY: Calling on my Ring of Illusions, I'll draw out the guards by appearing as a small family in distress.
THIRD MERCENARY: This +2 Enchanted Crossbow will fill the air with deadly bolts.
FOURTH MERCENARY: And while my Gleaves of Encumberment tangle the survivors...
FIFTH MERCENARY: ...the Key That Seduces All Locks will get us inside.
(Ash bludgeons the mercenaries with a shovel.)
CLOAKED FIGURE (gathering up artefacts): Well, that's saved some money. (Peering into swamp.) There's a trampled path, almost as if a division of soldiers had fought their way across the swamp at the behest of a nittish commander. What luck. Bun?
ASH (shading eyes): Stay your aerated pastry, my friend. I see that the swamp monsters have lost their fear of iron and are waiting en masse; also that Princess Breasts has just been hurled from the top of the tower. (Gravely.) We'll never make it in time.
FIGURE: Nevertheless, we must try and. (They race into the swamp.) (Can Ash and the cloaked figure possibly force their way through the swamp in the seven seconds before Princess Breasts hits the ground like a soggy child? And that gaunt stranger, eh?)