Episode Two
Visiting their Uncle Selwyn at his country house, cousins Eric and Penny and their lower-class friend Snifter are astonished to discover a glowing doorway at the back of a large wardrobe. The doorway leads to a darkened building, and upon stepping outside the chums find themselves on a grassy plain where they are met by a magnificent lion, who mauls Snifter badly. Racing back to the building our friends realise that by ill luck it is a discount furniture warehouse, and the lion with little effort catches and eats them. Uncle Selwyn dies in his bed, ringing futilely for help. Meanwhile, in the faraway town of Akansaxchukabuk, the villainous Captain Raxinfraxin has once again captured Princess Breasts, imprisoning her in a dungeon with little regard for her lovely hair.
(Scene: The town's back streets. Night. Flickering torches. We dissolve to a cloaked figure scuttling furtively. It is careful to keep away from the security chimeras, artistic lizards who sit atop strategic poles and sketch suspicious citizens. There is a sudden beggar.)
BEGGAR: Spare something for the homeless. (The figure gives him a wide berth.) God bless you, sir.
(Soon the figure arrives at a certain shop. Enters mysteriously, an effect that works better on paper.)
(Cut into shop. Eyepatched shopkeeper buffs shiny counter.)
FIGURE (mysteriously): Good evening.
SHOPKEEPER(proudly indicating counter): Look at that. You could eat your dinner off that. (Produces cleaver.) Go on - I dare you.
FIGURE: I'd like to hire some mercenaries. Some currant mercenaries.
SHOPKEEPER: Would those be mercenaries using wheat from the south-eastern province?
FIGURE: I believe my sister tells me so.
(The shopkeeper hands over a packet of buns. The figure accepts it and leaves mysteriously. Comes back immediately.)
FIGURE: Hang on, I've got it this time.
(Cut to heavily-fortified tower. Mix into Princess Breasts' room. Rochangrafel, an immense man, stands guard.)
ROCHANGRAFEL: It is useless to attempt and escape, Princess.
PRINCESS: Try to escape, you idiot. If I try and escape, then I succeed. God, I hate you illiterates.
ROCHANGRAFEL: An illiterate can't read, Princess. I was merely grammatically slack.
PRINCESS: Curses.
VOICES (off): Yabu! Zuks!
PRINCESS (alarmed): What was that?
ROCHANGRAFEL: There are many strange creatures about the tower. It discourages visitors. I myself fought my way here single-handed, challenging each foul swamp-thing to a ritual duel - in their language, a minoot.
PRINCESS: But you had sixty soldiers with you.
ROCHANGRAFEL (dismissively): My seconds.
PRINCESS: What, all of them?
ROCHANGRAFEL: Everyone knows there are sixty seconds in a minoot.
VOICES (off): Droomwrol! Simbacrache!
(Sounds of a wild applause.)
PRINCESS: At least I have my faithful nurse for company. She who suckled me as a babe and grew up to be my mentor, and that's one for the folks at home.
ROCHANGRAFEL: I fear she tried and attacked Dixdastardlax. His magic typhoon dispatched her to Hades.
PRINCESS(almost musical in her grief): Hell - oh, nurse!
VOICES (off): Boyce! Goephik!
(Cut to misty forest. Cloaked figure enters, followed by mercenaries.)
FIGURE: Stand back - I shall invoke the lord of the wood to help us. (Gestures in manner of a conjuror. A rumbling shakes the clearing. Mist roils from a tree, which bulges and parts to reveal a human form. Track in on spirit's face.) Behold - the Spirit of Ash.
ASH: Grovey.
FIGURE: Right then.
(Is the Spirit of Ash enough to overcome the magician Dixdastardlax? What ghastly buttered secret does the cloaked figure's lunchbox hold? Who is the gaunt stranger not mentioned in this episode either?)