Episode Two
WHAT HAS GONE BEFORE:
Mart, Bazzer and Betty, role-playing game fans and some girl, have bought a strange new game called Orcish Wars from a mysterious shop. Opening the box they find themselves magically transported to The Land, the savage world in which the game takes place, and within six minutes are killed by a marauding band of orcs. Rufuxrufcud, a wizard, witnesses the slaughter and, recognising the three as the 'otherworlders' mentioned in the Book of Foretelling, is preparing a powerful spell to resurrect the chums as incarnations of the ancient heroes Martinus, Barrabus and some girl when he is killed by a troll. Meanwhile, intrigue is afoot in the faraway town of Akansaxchukabuk.
(Scene: The bustling market. There is much bustling. We dissolve to an alleyway. A merchant walks along. He has the look of a storyteller about him. A man steps across his path.)
MAN: A moment.
MERCHANT: Oh! Pardon me, sir - I was busy with my thoughts. What is to become of Princess Breasts? As you know, with her father, the king, Mortleigh II, away on a diplomatic mission, she is held captive by the villainous Captain of the Guards, Raxinfraxin. And we have all heard how he desires to be king himse-
MAN: I know all this already. Obviously.
MERCHANT: Indeed, and as you also know, there is a small but determined resistance to Raxinf-
MAN: Look, give me all your money or I'll kill you.
(We pull back to show the scene is being watched from a high window by Captain Raxinfraxin.)
RAXINFRAXIN: The people appear displeased. (He rubs his chin.) If only I cared in the slightest way. No matter. (Two small boys enter.) Sumgrew - Sumtew - come here and let daddy dandle you upon his knee, although I'm still not quite sure what that involves. (He tries valiantly, but it is an unpleasant effect.) How are you, my boys? Wasn't there a third one at some point? I trust my brother took good care of you and that you stayed away from the locked room three corridors along and six flights up you undoubtedly would never have heard of had I not mentioned it.
SUMGREW: Uncle Saxinraxin was perfectly super, father.
SUMTEW: He took us to see the conjuror, Mr Dixdastardlax, and we had jellies and fun.
RAXINFRAXIN: God, I hate you. (He shuts them in a cupboard. Suddenly there is a commotion from outside.)
VOICES: Hurrah! It is as the Book foretold! Sawtoad, the apprentice, has brought the 'otherworlders' who will free us from the - oh. Well, help your master down so he can perform the spell of - ah.
ANOTHER VOICE: Let me through, I'm a doctor. Like that counts for anything in the eighth century.
(Raxinfraxin turns back from the window.)
RAXINFRAXIN: Ha. The fools. Now I will marry Princess Breasts and ascend the throne to rule with the help of my brother and the magician. No longer will Mortleigh snicker at Saxinraxin, Raxinfraxin, Dixdastardlax.
(The door opens and Princess Breasts burst in.)
PRINCESS BREASTS: Not so fast. Don't reach for that sword. (She brandishes a Browning 9mm.) This is an anachronism - deadly at twenty paces. (Raxinfraxin leaps back twenty-one paces.) Curses.
SUMGREW (muffled): Can we come out now, father?
RAXINFRAXIN: Shhhh.
(What tricks has Raxinfraxin up his sleeve? Can Princess Breasts truly be free when she continues to repress that childhood memory of being lost in a milliner's and so retains an irrational fear of hats? Who is the gaunt stranger not mentioned in this episode?)