Episode Q
PREVIOUSLY ON "IT WAS A TIME OF DARKNESS":
Escaping death at the hands of the villainous Captain Raxinfraxin, Princess Breasts flees with Ash and Inspector Petit-Pivic, unaware they are being spied on by the wily magician Dixdastardlax.
Meanwhile, in a galaxy far, far away, a space princess and a courageous farm lad discover too late that they are related, and their cretinous inbred offspring prove a poor match for the evil Lord Yorkshireman-in-a-Cape.
(Scene: The spiral staircase of Raxinfraxin's prison tower. He descends leisurely, accompanied by another henchman, Endo M'b. Soldiers follow.)
ENDO (a lounge-lizard): You have to practise, Rax, m'dear. The people aren't going to stand for a failed dandler as Lord Protector. What the devil?
(They have reached the bottom, emerging into the carnage left by the smashing fight from last episode. Endo barks orders, and soldiers rush about. Raxinfraxin sternly awaits a report.)
ENDO: There's no sign of the princess, of course. The horses have been driven off. We found Rochangrafel run through. Somebody finally beat him to the draw.
RAXINFRAXIN: How vexing.
ENDO: The men ask permission to bury the body.
RAXINFRAXIN (absently): Here in the swamp?
ENDO: It's a common religious belief among the soldiers. They have to bury him where he fell, painting his skull with 'head lines' to ward off demons. Apparently the reeds circling the tower can be used as brushes.
RAXINFRAXIN: You see, Endo, this is what I mean. Akansaxchukabuk is in the stone age. I want to bring it into the present - a fast-paced, modern city with street vendors on every corner selling exciting merchandise to an efficient, ambitious populace. (Sighs.) Let them bury Rochangrafel, and have Corporal Max run up to the belltower and signal for a a coach. And bring me the schedules and worksheets; I'll go over them while we wait.
ENDO: Right, Rax. (Shouts.) Headlines! Reeds all about it! Max back up stack to blag Rax tax! (Hands over itinerary.) Your paper governor.
(Cut to Dixdastardlax's inner sanctum. His servant faces the cadaverous gaunt stranger.)
PEN-Y-BHYSTAB: What do you want, gaunt stranger?
GAUNT-STRANGER (fiercely): That's Gaunt-Stranger, gimpy midget. (Smoothly.) My partners and I are puzzled, Dixdastardlax. We were under the impression we had a deal. If memory serves, in return for our magical powers, you'd persuade Mortleigh to go on that crusade, suggest to Saxinraxin and the Captain you could rule as a triumvurate, then double-cross Raxinfraxin, elevate doubles of his sons to the throne, declare a holiday, blow up the palace, use the sacred tools of Peyton Pendant to spin the soul of the Princess into the fabric of the new building, declare war on the entire region and have the Princess-creature seize control of the other kings when they attended the truce talks.
DIXDASTARDLAX: Yes, well, things have become a little complicated since then. That cursed Inspector's bargained for the aid of the wood god Ash.
GAUNT-STRANGER (curtly): He is merely a hire power. We want results, Dixdastardlax, extremely soon.
(He vanishes in a blinding flash, during which we cut to to a boat sculling downriver under cover of darkness.)
PRINCESS: Now, Petit-Pivic - tell me of the dangers facing Akansaxchukabuk.
PETIT-PIVIC: Looking directly past the spires of the palace into the sun, I suppose. Oh, right. Well -
ASH (cutting in): Silence. I sense a presence on the bank. (His voice booms.) This boat is under my personal protection. Any threat of violence will be most severely dealt with. I repeat, most severely.
VOICE (off): Oh, there they are. Fire.
ASH: No, wait, it was a ventriloquial jape.
(Arrows splatter into the boat.)
(Is the Princess's company doomed? Will Raxinfraxin discover Dixdastardlax's treachery? What is the new threat to Akansaxchukabuk?)