***** - Tommy Cooper

**** - David Nixon

*** - Georgi Markov

** - Paul Daniels

* - Wayne Dobson

THE FINAL FIGHT?

US Gold's all-formats conversion of the CapCom coin-op Final Fight is practically complete, and expectations have been confounded by what's looking like an extremely accomplished job. All versions, right down to the Spectrum, feature huge and well-animated sprites, but the Amiga version is quite stunning in its replication of the coin-op gameplay. Everything's in there, and the only flaw I could spot was a slight tendency for things to slow down a bit when lots was going on onscreen. The game itself features context-sensitive control, which makes it easy and instinctive to play, and it's easily the best example of the swarms of this type of game currently enjoying enormous arcade popularity. After a traditionally slow summer, it looks like the software business is really going to burst into life this Christmas, and this is just one of the games I expect to be right up there challenging for chart honours. Watch out for it.

THE LAST NINJA?

Also seen this week - an early version of Image Works' new hack'n'slasher First Samurai. Programmed by 8-bit hero Raf Cecco, it's not unlike Core's old game Torvak The Warrior in concept, but the execution is on another planet. The graphics are lovely if not earth-shattering, but the sound is nothing less than stunning. An original approach and tons of atmosphere look like making this another winner for the ever-cheerful and open-to-criticism London software giant.

THE LAST NINJA?

...and in something of a resurgence for the Japanese warrior breed, System 3 are also gearing up for an autumn release of their fourth 'Last Ninja' game, Last Ninja 3 (eh?). The game promises more of the same mix of gorgeous 3D graphics and tricky puzzle-solving which made the previous 3 games (Last Ninja, Last Ninja 2 and Ninja Remix) such a success, although some of us are praying that this time the control method will be just a little bit friendlier. Last Ninja 3 should be out on most 16-bit and 8-bit formats in a few weeks at the usual kinds of prices.

THE LAST NINJAS?

And finally (Esther), Image Works are keeping up the theme further with the imminent appearance of their conversion of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles arcade game. After last year's atrocious-but-successful first Turtles licence, Image Works should restore their, er, image substantially with this respectable-looking beat-'em-up, although ironically, the subsidence in Turtles mania may well mean they make a deal less money this time round. Whatever happens, this has to be yet another very good bet indeed for the prestigious Christmas No.1 spot.

IN MY HEAD

Is there no end to it? Coming your way soon from top inexpensive software moguls Code Masters is...Dizzy V. The second compilation of games featuring their egg-type hero is due out in November (in an obvious attempt at the, er, Christmas No.1 spot), but this time it's a little different, as most of the games are new, unreleased efforts. Joining Panic Dizzy and Kwik Snax (two of our ovoid chum's arcade-style games) are Bubble Dizzy, Dizzy Down The Rapids, and Prince Of The Yolk Folk, of which only the last named is a traditional Diz adventure. Even so, it's hard to see it being anything other than a huge hit - the name Dizzy is a bit of a licence to print money these days.

TRASHED AND BURNED

The most lamentable lump of drivel seen this week...

GEISHA (Electronic Zoo, Amiga)

...in which French and Japanese cultures combine to produce a tasteful erotic adventure of sexy sub-games and erotic episodes (it says here). Unfortunately, what they end up with is a pile of Sherman and no mistake. Geisha's various sequences include a Mastermind-style code-cracking game where every correct code results in an on-screen grope from a naked bimbo, but since the information you're given about your guesses is unhelpful and inadequate it's largely a matter of luck whether you succeed or not. Then there's a Lemmings-inspired section where a naked bimbo swims along underwater collecting pearls while you blast away at enemies which she might otherwise collide with. It might work if the character responded to the controls in some way, but she has a mind of her own which makes the stage unplayable.

There's a completely pointless card-game sequence, a maze shoot-'em-up section called Penetration, and lots of other stuff that's frankly just too tedious to go into (sorry). The whole thing is wrapped up in lazy and annoying presentation including lengthy intros that you can't skip, annoying copy protection, and a quit function that's far too easy to access accidentally. Add this to the fact that you have to reboot (and go through all the intro rigmarole) after every game, and you find yourself with a game which will be consigned to the bin within 60 minutes of purchase. The whole thing's about as sexy as 'that' Benetton ad, and it doesn't even have the saving grace of being smuttily funny (like Viz The Game, for example). Really, if shabby pseudo-porn is what you want, there are better and cheaper ways to get it (Fnar fnar - Finbarr Saunders) than this.

GAME REVIEW

GRANDSTAND (Domark, all formats)

This is a collection billing itself as 'The Ultimate In Sports Compilations'. The contents (Gazza's Super Soccer, Pro Tennis Tour, Continental Circus and World Class Leaderboard) would seem to belie such a claim, but I suppose it's technically true for as long as it takes for another sports compilation to be released, so we'll let it go for now. Individually the games range from the excellent (World Class Leaderboard) to the execrable (Gazza's 'Super' Soccer), with the other two falling inbetween (with Continental Circus being marginally the superior of the pair). The collection does provide a wide spectrum of styles, but with the two best games available individually on budget labels, you'd only be advised to fork out for this box if you're the world's biggest (not to mention saddest) Gazza fan. **

MAGIC POCKETS (Renegade, Amiga and ST, £25.99)

'Hi, I'm Edison Carter, and what I want to know is...'

16-bit games fans have been waiting with bated breath for this game for so long now that several hundred of them have died of suffocation. The promised excursion into cutie arcade platform game territory from the legendary Bitmap Brothers has been the subject of more breathless speculation and hype than any other game I can remember and now, at last, it's ready. And it's incredible. Not incredibly good, though...

Magic Pockets is a game which is simply bursting at the seams with gorgeous graphics, nice touches, clever gameplay ideas and attention to detail. It's also one of the dullest games I've ever encountered on a 16-bit machine (or any other kind for that matter), and I've played some real doozies. The programming is practically flawless but somewhere along the line the Bitmaps have failed to spot that there JUST ISN'T A GAME IN HERE. Magic Pockets promised to be the Bitmaps' answer to Rainbow Islands, but it's just Gods in baseball boots. Gods at least had a feel that fitted the storyline, but if the Bitmaps think this is what a cute arcade game looks like then there's clearly a page missing under 'C' in their dictionary.

They haven't been able to resist packing this game with their trademark metallic graphics, and it's given the game a look that's as much in keeping with it's professed style as Shadow Of The Beast would have had with Tiki the kiwi from New Zealand Story as the central character. When you get into the actual gameplay, what you find is something which reminded me of nothing so much as Gremlin's dire Impossamole. Slow, trudging movement and baddies which have to be shot several times before they die don't make for an action-packed thrill-a-minute arcade game, especially when half the time the baddies can't actually reach you to do you any harm. This leaves the Bitmap Kid (the hero of the game) standing around for long periods, lobbing missiles at a trapped enemy with the joystick on autofire and the mind of the player on what's for dinner, or what's on TV later, or why the hell he's sitting here putting up with such utter tedium.

Progressing on through the levels, nothing much changes except that the levels become bigger and more unfocussed, with devious gameplay design replaced by ever-increasing numbers of harder-to-kill baddies. Later worlds are full of clever little features (raining clouds, growing plants, Speedball helmets etc etc) designed to make players go 'Ooh, that's clever' and distract them from the hopelessly hackneyed design and boring, boring, boring gameplay.

The fact is, if this game came from some crappy European software house and didn't have the strikingly cute graphics, it would receive a deserved pasting all round and sink into obscurity faster than the deely bopper (remember those?). But no, it's from the Bros and it looks pretty so it's the best game in the world. In a few weeks' time game players all over the country will be sitting in their bedrooms with their copy of this and thinking 'Is that it? Is that what all the fuss was about?', but no-one will say anything for fear of being the little boy who noticed the King had no clothes.

Karl Marx was wrong. I know what the opium of the masses is. Magic Pockets will sell by the million to gullible fools with lists of tech specs instead of brains and pages of hype where their critical faculties used to be, and that depresses me more than you can imagine. Have some self-respect, and don't get on the Bitmap Kid's bike. You'll only be taken for a ride. **

POOR TASTE CORNER

Oh dear... Top(ish) budget software house Zeppelin are about to unleash a game under the title of Titanic Blinky. The game puts you in control of cute blobby character Blinky (last seen in Blinky's Scary School), who finds himself on the raised Titanic, attempting to exorcise all the ghosts of the people who died on board. Sounds, er, 'interesting'.

KOHLRABI CORNER

A new column in which I'll be taking a look at some of the wacky vegetable-related japes some top industry figures sometimes find themselves embroiled in. (This one'll run and run...) For example, did you know that the top PR guru at well-known coin-op conversion producers Domark, Clare Edgely, supplements her meagre income by baking carrot cakes and selling them to local bakeries? No, I'll bet you didn't, but it's completely true*. NCE says: pay the poor girl some proper wages Domark, you old meanies!

Tune in next week for more vegetable revelations!

* It is, too.