TOP OF THE FLOPS (Part 1)

Well, chums, it’s the end of another exciting year in the world of videogames, and traditionally that means that everyone looks back and lists all their favourite games of the 12 months gone by.

But you’ve probably read a whole bunch of those already, so I’ll give you a break - that can wait until next month. (And just so you don’t get too tense, Grand Theft Auto 3 is going to win, okay?) Instead, this week and next week (when very little else happens in gaming, the entire industry shutting down for about a fortnight over the holidays) we’re going to take a look back at a slightly different category of game, one that’s too often overlooked but one that has at least as big a part to play in forming the videogames world in which we live. Yes, it’s time to take a look back, viewers, at 2001’s… Most Deserved Flops Of The Year! At last, the games that everyone expected to fly off the shelves but actually stuck there like they’d been nailed on, hence restoring just a tiny flicker of your faith in humanity and allowing us all to look forward to the new year in a spirit of optimism that should last until at least the middle of January, finally get their day in the sun. So without further ado, and in traditional reverse order, let’s get on with the show.  

6. DAVID BECKHAM SOCCER
(Playstation/Game Boy Color, Rage)

Long-standing yet almost-hitless UK developer Rage has a long history of creating third-rate football games that don’t sell. So they really thought they’d cracked it this year when, instead of spending a load of cash revamping their tired old “Striker” engine and coming up with a game that people might actually want to play, they simply splashed their cash on buying up the David Beckham licence and sticking it on yet another third-rate game. As Beckham’s popularity rocketed thanks to his major part in England’s World Cup qualifying success, Rage rubbed their hands at the prospect of an avalanche of cash, perhaps temporarily forgetting that there’s never been a smash-hit personality-licenced football game in the history of gaming.

And sure enough, as Rage cunningly  timed the launch to go directly up against the all-conquering footy duopoly of FIFA 2002 and Konami’s Pro Evolution Soccer, Beckham stiffed massively, managing just the briefest tickle of the lower reaches of the top 40 while FIFA and PES made the top 10 their own. In an interview with the gaming trade press recently, Rage actually admitted that their main goal was simply to have a big-name licence franchise in each of the main gaming genres (in addition to Beckham, they also own the licence for games starring Andy McNab, neatly tying up that, er, games-based-on-books-about-the-SAS genre). Once in a while, it’s nice to see such a cynically limited vision backfire.

5. SKY SPORTS FOOTBALL QUIZ
(PC/Playstation, THQ)

4. CHAMPIONSHIP MANAGER QUIZ
(PC/Playstation, Eidos) 

Something else you probably missed in the trade press recently was an interview with Hothouse Creations, authors of last year’s diabolical Christmas No.1 Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Not only did they fail do throw themselves at the feet of the world’s gamers and beg forgiveness for this atrocity, they even went so far as to smugly boast about how quickly they could churn out similar quiz-game drivel, such as Sky Sports Football Quiz. (About four months, compared to the two years plus a proper game takes.)

On the very next page, Sports Interactive, the people behind Championship Manager, went a step further, actually praising Millionaire as a “great game” and enthusing about how punters just lap up anything with the Championship Manager name on it. What a joy it was, then, to see both titles come out a month before Christmas and immediately be sucked down into the gloopy, festering depths of the gigantic Swamp Of Failures which swallows up so many poor-quality games at this time of year. CMQ just manages to steal the No.4 spot on account of being even cheaper and shabbier than SSFQ, but it was a narrow stoppage-time victory and no mistake.

Unfortunately that’s all we’ve got time for this week, viewers, but tune in to the next Hard Wired (same time, same channel) for the top three Deserved Flops Of The Year. Will there be more football games? Will there be more quiz games? Will I throw Gran Turismo 3 in just to be controversial? The answers to those questions are “No”, “No” and “Maybe”, but not necessarily in that order. If you want to know which order they do come, you’ll just have to tune in. Y’all have a Happy and flop-free New Year, now.