esquire.gif (4173 bytes)

SHORT LIST 18 - April 1998


"So there's these two blokes and a woman, right, and they fall into a vat of toxic waste or something, and they turned into King Kong, a dinosaur and a giant werewolf. Then they all go off and start climbing skyscrapers in different cities around the world and smashing them to the ground and eating everybody inside them."

"Getting aeroplane tickets for 30-foot werewolves isn't a problem?"

"Apparently not. Look, nobody asked stupid questions about the plot in 1986."

"And nobody'll notice it's exactly the same game again, with slightly better graphics?"

"Nah. They'll only be playing it is when they come back pissed from the pub with their mates - it's a laugh."

"Fair enough, then."

(From GT for Playstation and Saturn, 40)



"So, Quentin, you say you've got a new idea for your latest movie?"

"Yeah, man. All that 60s music stuff is, like, /so/ last week. This year, old video games are where it's at."

"So let me get this right - instead of having Dusty Springfield on the radio during this chainsaw swordfight sequence, you want some geek kids playing old video games in the background?"

"That's it, man! I've got some great forgotten classics - Blaster, Joust 2, Moon Patrol, Splat!, Burger Time, the lot. And they're all from the early 80s - my demographic'll lap 'em up!"

"And you're /sure/ John Woo hasn't done it before?"

"Listen, man, do you want this picture or not?"

(From GT for Playstation and PC, 35)



"Ladies and gentlemen, with me tonight is the Greek god Hercules. Herc, I see you've grown the beard back - what's that about?"

"Well, Michael, it's so I don't get confused with that wimpy guy who played me in the iffy Disney platform game that came out a couple of months back. I'm actually in a totally different game, from the guys who brought you Zombies Ate My Neighbours - this one's a light-hearted skeleton-clubbing cartoon romp in the same vein, slow-paced but funny, with - "

"Sorry Herc, that's all we've got time for. Tune in tomorrow night, viewers, when the theme of the show will be 'My Wife Killed Me With A Hammer But I Still Love Her'. Goodnight!"

(From Virgin for Playstation, 40)



"Okay soldier, let's try that story one more time."

"Sir, I was proceeding due north with the rest of my elite Internet geek squadron (all 100 of us), attempting to engage the enemy. However, a number were distracted by the attractive scenery and flew into some cliffs, while several others got into a radio argument about whether Dana Scully or Lt Uhura was sexier, which degenerated into a catastrophic inter-squadron dogfight and wiped out the entire wing, sir."

"So all 100 of the online-gaming fans were killed, then?"

"Sir, yes, every last one, sir."

"We'll say no more about it, then. Have ten pounds and a new hat."

"Sir, thank you, sir."

(From Novalogic for PC, 35)

woscomms.jpg (23316 bytes)