Two The Write Thing
August 17th to October 9th 1997Time like a crime lime has indicated it is once more Two The Write Thing. Briefer than usual - possibly even the superhuman resilience of AP2's readers has been clubbed dazingly by our endemic laziness - it nonethess remains the most popular section of AP2, as no one can find the new bits we add without a special map. If there are any, and the weeks of prolonged back-breaking labour haven't just invisibly improved the structure again.It's your moment, readers. Don't run away from it.
"THE CLOWN I USED TO HIDE"
AP2? Nice one! What an excellent idea.
I stopped reading AP when I realised I was spending four quid a month and didn't actually have the slightest interest in 99% of the games (AP35 or thereabouts, I think) - the writing was clearly on the wall. But if I was tempted by a game, I used to nip down WH Smith and fumble furtively through your pages to see what the authoritative word on it was. Which I guess means that the writing was excellent, the reviews actually meant something, the style was great but, ultimately, not worth four quid. Or something.
I missed it, although I didn't miss the embarrassment of a 29-year-old research scientist purchasing a glossy mag with a bright cover screaming KRUSTY THE CLOWN. I used to hide it inside my copy of Big Soapy Bouncers Monthly.
All credit to you for coming clean about those dismal tips hotlines (not that I ever phoned them, no sir, not me), but if we're raking skeletons out of cupboards here, where's the digitised photo of Stuart elegantly modelling that modestly-priced hideous black sweatshirt with A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E all down one arm, then, eh? And how long did the publishers have to "sweat" him down in the Future cellars before he cracked and agreed to do it? More to the point - how many suckers actually bought the bloody things?
Should you have games reviews in AP2? Not unless someone releases a really excellent new game for the Amiga. Wouldn't mind a reprint of the Top 100 Games of All Time, though, with any new additions you might feel obliged to add since the last one - issue 25? Long time ago, eh? Surely there must be ONE game worthy of the Top 100 since then.
As for comp.sys.amiga.games, I wrote a huge paragraph defending its denizens as not ALL being tediously paranoid little twerps, then scrubbed it when I realised I was being tedious. And paranoid. Sorry Stuart - you were right all along. Bugger.
Bill Bennett, Bath
You never saw the vile grey AP sweatshirts, did you, Bill?Slightly embarrassingly - FOR YOU - there were another four AP Top 100s, the last in AP64. Sensible Soccer was Number One (inexplicably credited as "SWOS" despite the adulatory text talking exclusively of Sensi), once again by virtue of having a one-player mode beating the rightful winner, Gravity Power.
Stuart writes: Firstly, Jonathan is wrong, so wrong about the last APATTOH - it was clearly and unambiguously decided at the chart meeting that specifically SWOS, not Sensible Soccer, was the best Amiga game of all time. Indeed, I myself went to some trouble to ensure that this was so, having been embarrassed by association that after I left AP, the only Top 100 I wasn't directly involved with championed the original Sensi over its CRIMINALLY OBVIOUSLY superior sequel.
Also, I don't ever remember modelling the black AP sweatshirt for an ad. Which issue was this in? UNLESS YOU'RE IMAGINING IT INSIDE YOUR SICK AND INJURED HEAD, of course.
Clearly, I'm still not bored of capital letters.
Jonathan adds: I don't remember SWOS being preferred over Sensi. This is obviously my fault for not liking football games, and not SWOS's for being shabbily bugged at all.
"JONATHAN DAVIES IN THE BACK"
Hello,
Just realised I haven't actually sent you any crazed letters for nearly a month.
Isabelle Rees has a new homepage. In fact, she claims ownership of an island. Rees Island, no less.
I am sure I have just seen Jonathan Davies in the back streets of Northampton, driving a brown-gold rusty Ford Fiesta.
He appeared to be attempting to reverse into a concrete bollard.
Is this one of his normal activities?
James Caygill, Northampton
We have no idea. Jonathan never talks to us any more, except about ("Lylat Wars" - Ed) playing tips.
"I ENJOYED THE SCHOOLBOY"
Bored, I am at this moment reading through the secret messages and laughing. Because I find this amusing.
But still, there are unanswered questions. Such as, what is the whodunnit with the 758 endings (From the footnote to the AP movie). Why was Jonathan paralysed with fear? (Not so well hidden this one.) And when is the script to the AP movie going to appear? (I'm looking forward to this one. Despite the fact that when I printed out the trailer and pinned it up, nobody else laughed.)
But still.
I enjoyed The Schoolboy Spoilsport, having been to a public school and given large numbers of similar (though lacking-in-high-powered-sniper-rifles) stories, while being stared at by teachers holding wooden rulers and hitting you on hands. Until I left, of course.
Forwards to the demolition of the evil Capitalist state! Marvel at our socialist paradise! Wonder at the miracles of our Soviet technology! No, hang on a minute.
Matthew Garrett, Omagh
A valiant attempt, but "I enjoyed The Schoolboy Spoilsport" gave you away.
"A DODI IN THE NEXT"
Please no "Dead as a Dodi" in the next edition of AP2.
Bye,
Ben Hall, as far away as possible
Oddly, we've had another letter pleading exactly the same thing, when there was never any intention of mentioning the lovely princess and her lovely hair, and her date - oh, and the driver and the grievously injured bodyguard - because WE DON'T CARE.As Steve Faragher said of the astoundingly unbelievable intensity of grief, "Hmn. Shame this didn't happen over Dunblane, eh?"
Stuart writes: Crikey, Steve, you mean you want to sit through a week of that every time something bad happens? Elton John would own all the money in the world within a month.
And anyway, since and as a direct result of Dunblane, well over 100,000 privately-owned lethal firearms have been taken out of circulation by a change in law. As far as I'm aware, not a single landmine has been dug up, but millions of flowers have been left to rot on streets and the nation's newspapers have been filled with hypocritical drivel for weeks.
I suspect I know which reaction the unfortunate victims of the respective incidents would prefer as a legacy.
"MY FRIENDS NOT WHOLLY"
Hello, you.
It seems the NME have been up to their old AP-felching tricks again. Here's an extract from this weeks Thrills article, "Black Grape Single Offer."
"The only way YOU can get your sweaty hands on the new Grape platter is to join in with this exciting offer, in association with Sinister's Pies, The Pies Of Champions."
Hit them swiftly, and hit them hard, my friends. Not wholly uncoincidentally, I was recently distressed to discover that only about ten of my AP collection survived my (successful) attempt at moving out of my old flat without my landlord noticing. As retreiving said magazines would cost in the region of some £300 back-rent, would this be a good time to reopen the Most Expensive Copy Of AP argument?
Meanwhile, anyone since moving into the flat above the Post Office in Overton, Wrexham, will have aquired an extensive archive of AMIGA POWER and the NME. Tch, eh?
Yours, with clearly too much time on his hands,
Mark Jones
You think you have too much time on your hands? Amateur.
"REFERENCES AND THE BLATANT FAILURE"
How about getting AP2 put on the Amiga Format CD? It could be an interestingly ironic thing to do. Secretly, natch. Although the anti-AF references and the blatant failure to recognise Future's copyright could be a problem. But, being Mighty Beings, I'm sure that you could work it out.
Alternatively, in an altogether more interesting idea, you could submit it to CU Amiga. My, what laughs we would all have then.
How about setting up a proper AP2 mailing list? You know, somewhere where anybody could discuss the classic moments of a once wondrous magazine. Imagine the joy of receiving a large pile of mail devoted to nothing but AP every time you log on. No, hang on a minute.
Does anybody out there have a copy of Game Massive Volume 1 that they'd sell me? It's the one thing missing from my extensive AP collection. Other than the horrible "merchandise," of course. Except the tips video. But then, you were giving those away. Wow! One question in, wait for it, one paragraph! I'm on fire!
Curses. Foiled again.
You damned, interfering jackanapes!
In a rather bored and desperate situation,
Matthew Garrett, Omagh
"FOR AP YOU COULD RATE"
Why don't you review games magazines? For only £10 or so a month you could help us find a magazine that would be a replacement for AP.
You could rate a magazine on the style of review, sense of humour and whether it recognises a second disk drive. Points could be deducted for use of the word "exclusive" and a tips section over five pages long.
Will Pearson, Exmouth
"NO GOD EH IF HE"
Greetings, "AP2," even though it's still a silly name.
As a fan of the late AMIGA POWER, I felt deeply bound to write to you again. However, the cunning language used by you is misunderstood by my fellow inmates, as I am in jail for sometime now, awaiting my execution, leading to some riots within the penitentiary. So, here we are again.
As I'm about to be shot, I feel compelled to write to you in a "last letter" kind of way. Don't be rude in your answer, I won't answer back (obviously). So, before I perish in a spectacular fashion due to the magnificient shooting of the firing squad, there're some questions I urge you to address.
First up, what, O mighty beings, is the meaning of life? Surely not catching rats in the prison sewer for a living. Or is it? Or is IT? OR IS IT...etc.
Finally, will I ever go to heaven? Or is THERE NO GOD? Eh? If he exists, I will be consumed by the eternal flames of the deep abysses of hell. What a great thought.
Hurry in your answer, the prison chaplain is already on his way.
Yours executionally,
Pedro Pinto, Portimão State Penitentiary, Portugal
Don't worry, Pedro - this page is "a file"! Marvellous.Stuart writes: Goodnight everybody!
"GRAMMAR WHICH MAY MAKE THE JOKE"
Amusing jape, eh? Slightly more amusing is the fact that you didn't send me a sample page on grammar. Which may make the joke more or less funny depending on how you look at it. I suggest upside-down.
Gareth Charles, Shrewsbury
Yes we did.
"A IT'S A IT'S A"
Dear J Nash (or equivalent),
AP2 is as "cool" as some fool with a spool and some fine leather jackets. For example.
You will fail to remember me as the chap who did the "Valhalla In The Style Of... A Crap Dance Mix" ("It's a skull, it's a skull, it's a it's a it's a skull"), nor will you recall that I sent you a copy of my ReesMasterTM "application" that would senselessly churn out infinite Rees letter parodies (and contained an Akbar and Jeff reference (among countable other fine in-jokes)).
Nonetheless, I have a question that I beg you to answer, and it is boring beyond your worst imaginings: what exactly is J Davies doing now, and where (if anywhere) on the net is he CyberPresent or mindlessly worshipped?
In partial recompense for troubling your contemplations, I repeat the joke of some champions:
Q: What is the quickest way to kill a circus?
A: Go for the juggler.
If by now you are not plotting my convoluted demise, the above question goes for Nash too.
Time-honoured conventions require me to DO THIS!!! to remind you of your unquestionable superiority.
Love,
Paul Hamilton, Exeter. Not Essex. Dolts.
Paul went on to explain Battling Popes had been shelved after he read a preview of Worms and assumed his game would be decried as a rip-off of Team 17's rip-off of Scorched Tanks, instead of applauded as a rip-off of Scorched Tanks.The fool! We certainly would have put it on the coverdisk of the issue Worms was reviewed in. (Only incompetently losing our copy of Scorched Tanks prevented that appearing instead.)
The moral is: always finish a game based on popes fighting each other. And respect your elders and go to church regularly, because it's the right thing to do.
"TO THINK OF IT READER"
"Bit of a no-win option being an atheist, now I come to think of it" - Reader Millington.
CLEARLY COPIED FROM TERRY PRATCHETT. Naughty.
Gareth Charles, Shrewsbury
Mills? Mills?
"I LIKE TO GO BEARS"
Ben Hall: perceptive view of the scum-sucking degrading filth that is Brookie, but as for AMIGA POWER's influence of modern advertisements - poppycock.
Yes, there is a similarity between "The Makeup of Makeup-artists" and "The Makeup of Champions," but there is also a stark contrast between the two. One is makeup, used by people who are paid to apply it, and one is makeup, used by special people who go about saving the world and civilisation as we know it.
Good grief, the man must have AP on the brain. Next he'll be telling us about how much of a resemblance "Wash and Go: I like to wash my hair, and I like to go" bears to "Unicycle: there is a cycle, and it is Uni."
Stuart Caie, Aberdeen
Oh, and Stuart, did you see the other comp.sys.amiga.games message I wrote? I think you did.
Stuart writes: Er, probably. My memory's not what it used to be. Or is that something else?
"PREVIOUS DAYS OF ATTACKING"
I am amazed. I was pointed at your page by a good squire (who was amazed to find a mention of himself in your pages from his previous days of attacking computer magazines with inanities - I limited myself to Zzap! 64) and I've never felt so comprehensively nostalgic in my life.
I couldn't read it all in one go because my eyes are only human, or at least part of one, but I will be back, you plucky gents.
Thanks for something truly interesting in a worldwide dirge.
Log Waltzingarounddoesitsnowintransylvania
You're not a friend of Ludwig Ledbury are you?
"SINGLE READER LETTER"
I`m horrified. Not a single reader letter contains the word "natch."
natchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatch
natchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatch
natchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatchnatch.
There. That should even things up a bit.
Gareth Charles, Shrewsbury
"WRITERS OF AP A BIT STRANGE"
Hurrah. Now that I am back at university I can send a message without the niggling thought that I'm wasting my time or my family's money. Ho hum.
Indeed, I've been on holiday for the past four months (sorry to all those non-student readers) and so have not yet had the chance to browse through AP2.
I was wondering. Doesn't it (didn't it) strike the (ex-)writers of AP a bit strange that all these people can become so obsessive about a magazine?
Don't get me wrong (Hnnhnnghh. - Ed) - I am one of these people. I have actually said to myself that even if I didn't have an Amiga I might've considered reading AP. Although how I would ever have come across it is a mystery.
When I refer someone to AP to demonstrate that there is a minority (no matter how hated by the masses (and "those who cared about the Amiga" in the industry) it may be) that must exist in order to retain some sort of order and standard, I receive jeers for "reading back issues" or "thinking that a computer magazine could possibly be well-written." (Little do they know that AP is partly responsible for me wanting to write.)
Hmm. I'm sure that there must be a conclusion to be drawn from all this.
Good to see you still exist.
Ed Guidon, Keele
Or DO we?
"A RAMBLING MESS BUT THAT"
I've just come across your page and the memories of glorious times past came flooding back.
Your page is a rambling mess, but that's as it should be. Thanks for making millions (well, thousands anyway) including me laugh out loud on a monthly basis at your observations on life printed in your (once) fine magazine.
Thanks for the memories, and I wish you well.
Ajmul Hussain
You're the second correspondent to use "(once) fine magazine." Has everyone finally acknowledged the superiority of the Golden Age?
"STUART N HARDY IS BACK"
You`ll probably not be interested to know that Glasgow`s most Americanised local radio station is broadcasting an advert which starts like this:
"It`s discount! It`s furniture! It`s discount furniture!"
Oh, and Stuart N Hardy is back in the pages of Digitiser, I see. My life may have an obscure connection with his in the form of a boarding school in Fife. More news as I get it.
Steve Hood, Kirkintilloch (where we have proper Scottish accents. Except me of course)
Hardy appears to have dropped the N, but is fooling no one.
"KILLING WAS MS REES THIS MONTH"
Dear non-grammatical error,
Do you want to know why I liked AP? So would I. I expect that the main reason I liked AP was that re-reading it you found hidden jokes. Examples, I hear you ask? I have them ready.
CAM WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY: "Thanks for the choccies and stuff Isabelle."
Proof that Cam IS open to corruption and the real mastermind behind the JD killing was Ms. Rees.
THIS MONTH WE LEARNED: The real meaning of the verb "to burn."
Only comes into context when you read The Brain's Vocab Corner.
The EBN live gig wiring setup used in Techy Corner.
More than anything else, I liked the way the "AMIGA" in "AMIGA POWER" on the edge of the back page changed each time.
So is that all I'm going to talk about? Pretty much yes, but hidden jokes was why I liked AP. And I can't find any in this website. But this is AP2, not AP, what are you stupid or something?
Bye,
Ben Hall, RAF Bruggen
Actually, AP2 is plump with in-jokes. There are all the hidden messages, for a start. And the fact it's a breathtakingly pointless examination of a mag no one cared about in the first place. Say.Readers dismayed by Jonathan's Emergency Broadcast Network CD being stolen a few months ago while on loan to Andy O will doubtless be relieved to learn it has now been returned.
"A PROGRAMMER I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T"
Woah. Return of AP. (No, I don't usually start all my letters like that.)
I just think it's great that AP is back (well sort of), and I'm glad that you're rid of Future, but a bit sad that you couldn't care less about the Amiga.
Well, anyway, I just wanted to say that I love(d) AP (although being a programmer, I probably shouldn't have) and would agree that AP was always right.
Incidentally, has any one of you got a real job at the moment? Maybe you should consider making games. You obviously have the right ideas.
Yours truely, (Spook! - Resonance From The Golden Age)
Mikkel Løkke
But at least we didn't care as little as the games publishers, eh, readers? Or Jonathan Anderson. Or Escom.
"AGO AND SO FAR NOT"
Hi AP2,
I would just like to say that AP2 is indeed the best page out of the several hundred million or so in existence. I discovered it a few months ago and so far not a day has passed without me reading it.
However, I have one question. What didn't Jonathan like about The X-Files?
Bye for now,
Jason Le Vaillant, Waharoa, New Zealand
In fact, The Onion is the best page.Jonathan writes: The fact it exists.
"AN ENGLISH BLOKE WHO WORKED"
I recently heard of a new games site which is opening next week, run by a Colin Campbell. Apparently this Colin is an English bloke who worked for an American gaming mag by the name of Next Generation On-Line and is now back in the UK.
Is this AP's acclaimed Colin The Publisher?
Trantor Thesuburbanbookofthedead
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AND ANOTHER THING...Thanks, and I love AP2. It brings... back such... (sniff)... memories!
Trantor Thesuburbanbookofthedead
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... Gagh. (Dies.)
How can I "be" funny?
Will Pearson, Exmouth
Yeah, Will, like we know.
All looks a bit strange though. Hrmm.
James Caygill, Northampton
But not as strange as something we've just thought of.
Oddly like the travesty that was Space Jam, really.
Matthew Garrett, Omagh
You don't have to pretend to know where Keele University is.
Ed Guidon, Keele University
Keele University. Lovely place.
The end is upon us as if we were in the final scene of a film and The End was superimposed and we reacted comically as if it were squashing us even though it was obviously just a matte.You may recall that Jonathan and Stuart disagree over the name of AP2's letters page. Jonathan considers Two The Write Thing to be right and proper. Stuart contends that 2 The Write Thing is more logical.
Although last time you, our readers, were given the choice of writing to either, practically no one at all bothered with Stuart's version. Stuart insists this is because you were required explicitly to type his address, while Jonathan enjoyed the unfair advantage of a direct button link.
With this edition, therefore, AP2 has introduced a balance. Should you agree with Jonathan, clicking upon his picture will direct your message to Two The Write Thing. Conversely, Stuart's photograph will address your note to 2 The Write Thing.
People who prefer to use e-mail programs rather than their browsers should note the respective addresses are
address@address.address
and
addressTwo@address.address
Phrrrrrw, eh?
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| Two The Write Thing | 2 The Write Thing |
Don't forget your Two The Write Thing checklist!
1. Have I included my full name to avoid being given a stupid label?2. Have I placed myself geographically, as AP2 does not print e-mail addresses?
3. If all events occur in a single moment and time and space are but an illusion, then where's my blue pen?
We invite especially letters from people who aren't Matthew Garrett or James Caygill. You know. For a change.
We wave at you through a window we hold as we run away very fast.
Another Two The Write Thing