Coming Soon
You know, AP2's nearly almost half of 60,000 readers didn't just happen across the page of paramount pointlessness. A well-planned campaign of hurriedly improvised trailers in the Amiga newsgroup as a funny joke alerted people to AP2, eliciting such exciting responses as "I thought you were all dead - hurrah!", "I thought you were all dead - please die" and "It is obviously rubbish because I cannot read it with a browser invented in 1958."
Reprinted here are the newsgroup trailers, so you can see just why an amazingly well-paid job in advertising with a series of rapid promotions has been given to no one at all associated with AP2.
June 8th 1997
Indicating AP2's initial appearance.
(Scene: There is no scene.)
STENTORIAN BOOMING: You thought they were dead. And they are.
(Enormous "A" slams into left of frame.)
STENTORIAN BOOMING: You thought it was over. And it is.
(Enormous "P" slams into centre of frame.)
STENTORIAN BOOMING: But no one tells AMIGA POWER what to do.
(Enormous "2" slams into right of frame.)
CRACKLY SOUNDTRACK VOICE: You! But - it's impossible! Aaarghh!
(Huge "AP2" whites out in soundless burst. Startling contrast masks single flash-frame with tiny writing: "AP2 is an entirely independent mag, albeit written by several ex-members of AMIGA POWER as The A-Nows. Use of the title AMIGA POWER and the stealing of vast numbers of pictures from it does not imply an endorsement by its publishers, a wholly-owned subsidiary of one of the largest media corporations in the world. The spirally tangential nature of AP2 and its continent-enveloping size of over twenty pages mean The A-Nows cannot guarantee AP2 will not occasionally collapse ineptly, although at least there isn't a separate broken links page to compound the annoyance, except we've just discovered there is because the space provider intercepts errors automatically. Cheers, then. But anyway.")
ADDRESS appears centre-frame: http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/ap2/
(Screen is filled with single gigantic word: "DISSEMINATE" as head-swimmingly loud chanting thunders out.)
HEAD-SWIMMINGLY LOUD CHANTING: Hookah chakka, hookah hookah hookah chakka.
(Cut abruptly to black.)
June 25th 1998
Indicating the fixing of the AP2 archives.
(Close-up of generic tiny child.)
TINY CHILD: I like the bit where Stuart sincerely and truly hopes Mirage and Time Warner all die.
(Shot of tiny children laughing as if sharing secret amusement.)
(Close-up of second generic tiny child.)
TINY CHILD: My favourite part is where a secret meeting of influentialsoftware companies results in the death of the Amiga being determined in1993.
(Shot of tiny child licking ice-cream. Second tiny child scuttles by distractingly, allowing third to fleetly gnaw on sugary treat. First tiny child reacts comically.)
(Close-up of another generic tiny child. Or possibly it's the first one again.)
TINY CHILD: The humorous exposure of lies made me laugh. And the pervasive self-righteousness.
(Shot of tiny children amused by buffoonish antics of clown.)
(Close-up of generic tiny child.)
TINY CHILD: Of course, it's not as good as the Matt Bielby Golden Age.
(Quick cuts of tiny children pointing delightedly at computer screen; tiny children rolling car in slow-motion as derailed train explodes; tray of colourfully-decorated mugs put down and instantly cleared by hands reaching in from all sides of screen; tiny child twisting suspect's arm up behind back and reading rights; tiny child smoking pipe and tending roses as crane shot reveals tank battle just beyond; group shot of tiny children sittingon huge squashy sofa looking at something just off-camera and cheering.)
WARM AND REASSURING VOICEOVER: AP2 is now yours to own on video. Enjoy all your favourite moments again and again - with the whole family! Except for the examination of swearing, obviously.
EXTREMELY QUICK VOICEOVER: Now available in an archive version, AP2 is an entirely independent mag, albeit written by several ex-members of AMIGA POWER as The A-Nows. Use of the title AMIGA POWER and the stealing of vast numbers of pictures from it does not imply an endorsement by its publishers, a wholly-owned subsidiary of one of the largest media corporations in the world. The spirally tangential nature of AP2 and its continent-enveloping size of over twenty pages mean The A-Nows cannot guarantee AP2 will not occasionally collapse ineptly, although at least there isn't a separate broken links page to compound the annoyance, except we've just discovered there is because the space provider intercepts errors automatically, but then that's what the downloadable archive is for so that's all right then.
ADDRESS APPEARS PROMINENTLY: http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/ap2/
(Shot of tiny child holding partially-wrapped Disney video and looking upwards.)
TINY CHILD: You useless, cretinous moron.
(Cut to black.)
January 10th 1998
Indicating AP2's return after space provider problems.
ROGER WHITTAKER: Hello! I'm popular talented whistle-faced sing-man Roger Whittaker, and as you can see, I've just been to
http://dspace.dial.pipex.com/ap2/
to look at the new version of AP2. (Makes face.) It looks exactly the same, and my God, it's smug.
(He turns quietly back to the computer. Camera pulls out smoothly as music swells.)
Readers swept up in the dizzy giddiness of all this excitement may also elect to see the famous spinny Stand By logo (104K) and the unused AP2 ad for Lazarus (38K).