| ANDRÉS ESCOBAR* | Haven't played it | Bit of an own goal, this one * | Bit of an own goal, this one * | Bit of an own goal, this one *** | A cappuccino, please ** | And a bun * | Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! | Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! |
| LORD LUCAN | Nice name change ** | Nice name change **** | Can you direct me to the railway station? **** | Second-class return to Nottingham, please * | Make that Africa * | I'm a guest of J Mengele ** | Who's going to look after the kids? *** | Haven't played it |
| OJ SIMPSON | Haven't played it | Police Squad, more like ***** | I'd much prefer a driving game *** | Haven't gone near the place * | Pull up at the next corner * | See you in Naked Gun 4 ** | See you in 25 years ** | Haven't played it |
| HORACE DOVE-EDWIN | Really quick ***** | Very quick ***** | Where's the ice-cream and stanozol? ***** | There's Linford in his car *** | There's a small red demon with a pizza ** | I think I've broken the time barrier * | My chest hurts * | Does this plane go to Sierra Leone? ***** |
| BEELZEBUB | Great music ***** | Toe-tapping music ***** | Classical music ***** | Not enough music * | Spawn of the devil. You see? ***** | Haven't played it | I don't remember leaving the door open | Where's Hamble? |
| BOB | Scratch ***** | Snuffle ***** | Forage ***** | Eat ***** | Sleep ***** | Transsexualise ***** | Fall ill | Recover ***** |
| RAUL JULIA | Diddly-dum ***** | Click click ***** | Diddly-dum ***** | Click click ***** | Diddly-dum diddly-dum diddly-dum ***** | Thump | Blank | Haven't played it |
| STEVE THE PUBLISHER* | Well that's it then - I'm off ***** | ... ***** | Goodbye then ***** | ... ***** | Erm, seeya! ***** | ... ***** | ... ***** | (Slam) |
| DENG XIAOPING | Tora Tora Tora! ***** | Oh no, hang on, that wasn't us ***** | Bloody students ***** | Clever ***** | Uuughh (Thud) | Blank | Only joking ***** | Oh no! |
| WALT DISNEY | You're fired, Ed | And I hear you're a communist | Kids love Disneyland | I'm sure they were here a moment ago | Commie pinkie subversive, more like | Clarence Cancer | Blank | I'll be back |
| RONNIE KRAY | We're mad, aren't we Reggie? | We just don't know what we'll do next | Evening, Jack | Stabbity stab poke stab | Gold! Always believing! | Got 100 lights? | Hnnnghh (Clump) | Haven't played it |
| GINGER ROGERS | Tappity tap tap ***** | Cigarette me, big boy ***** | Tappity tappity ***** | I said, cigarette me, big boy ***** | Fred? Fred? ***** | Tap... tappity... ***** | Clunk | Haven't played it |
| PLUMBER | I've come to sluice the tank * | Hooray, tankie tankie! ***** | Wheee! ***** | Wahey! ***** | Caramba! ***** | Ooof | Phew! That was fun ***** | Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! |
| DEAD PERSON | Nobody funny has died this month | So they're resorting to archetypes *** | They think it's clever **** | To mock the dead *** | The celebrity needn't be dead **** | But Hugh Grant's been overdone *** | And Lee Clegg's out of the question ** |
| UNITED NATIONS | Um... *** | Er... *** | Um... *** | Hmmm... *** | Er... *** | Phew, they're all dead | Fancy a drink? ***** |
| WRECKLESS ERIC* | When I was a young boy | My mother said to me | "There's only one girl..." | "...in the world for you..." | "...and she probably lives in Tahiti." | KABOOM! | That's that then |
| RED RUM | And they're off ***** | And he's over The Chair ***** | And he's cleared The Stile ***** | And he's over Beecher's Brook ***** | And he's dead ***** | (Blank) | Miaow |
| BIG CHIEF I-SPY | I spy something beginning with H ***** | I spy something beginning with C ***** | I spy something beginning with F ***** | I spy something beginning with D ***** | Aaarghh! | (Blank) | Ooo, velvet |
| FRANÇOIS MITTERAND | Bonjour, mes petits ***** | Répetez ***** | Qui a coupé le fromage? ***** | "Who has cut the cheese?" ***** | Je suis mort ***** | "I am dead" ***** | Aaarghh! |
| GENE KELLY | I'm singing in the rain ***** | Splish splash splosh ***** | Just singing in the rain ***** | What a glorious feeling ***** | Actually, I don't feel all that glorious ***** | (Blank) | Never played with it |
| BOB PAISLEY | The boys done good ***** | We can play better ***** | The tactics were wrong ***** | No comment ***** | A vote of confidence you say? ***** | (Blank) | Never saw it |
| DAISY | Moo ***** | Moo ***** | Moo ***** | I am Lord Palmerston ***** | Bang | (Blank) | Burger anyone? |
| "ED"* | (Enjoyable) ***** | (Explosive) ***** | (Exciting) ***** | (Ethereal) ***** | (Edible) ***** | (Erm) | (Snip!) |
And to show we don't begrudge our own brutal slayings, some new guests.
| REV W AUDRY | Toot toot ***** | Look out - leaves! ***** | Look out - snow! ***** | Look out - rocks! ***** | (Blank) | We apologise for the delay | (Blank) | The Rev W Audry has been cancelled |
| DENG XIAOPING | Haven't played it | Haven't played it | Haven't played it | Haven't played it | Haven't played it | Haven't played it | Haven't played it | Haven't played it |
| DENIS COMPTON | A six! ***** | A six! ***** | A four! ***** | A six! ***** | A two - but cheekily stealing a three! ***** | A six! ***** | (Blank) | Ashes! |
| THE MRTA | All right everyone - cheer for your side ***** | Pass, you dunderhead ***** | Shoot! ***** | Goal! ***** | Pity there's no bath ***** | Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! | Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! Aaarghh! | Surely that's a foul, ref? |
| ALLEN GINSBERG | (Snap) | Coffee ***** | (Snap) | Coffee ***** | (Snap) | Coffee ***** | (Slump) | Deaddio |
| JACQUES COUSTEAU | I am a wonder of the deep ***** | I frolic in my natural habitat ***** | I pounce upon my prey ***** | I dart among the splendour of the reefs ***** | I invent the aqualung ***** | With my deceptive colouring I elude predators ***** | I am endangered ***** | I am extinct |
| JEFF BUCKLEY | Give me a C ***** | Breastroke, backstroke ***** | Butterfly and crawl ***** | Dog-paddle, belly-flop ***** | You can do them all ***** | Learn... to... ***** | (Blank) | Sign my copy of Grace? |
| ROBERT MITCHUM | The door burst open. I moved to cover the dame ***** | Three sneers walked in with hoods behind them ***** | One went to frisk me. I saw we weren't going to be friends ***** | I slapped the punk. His hip pockets bounced on the floor ***** | All three went for their guns, but mine was already here ***** | I held the dame as a material witness and because I liked it ***** | The case was closed ***** | I rode into the sunset |
| JAMES STEWART | Waaaaal, now just hold on ***** | Waaaaal, there's no need for that ***** | Waaaaal, you know that's not true, honey ***** | Waaaaal, maybe we aren't rich, but we're happy ***** | Waaaal, now, that's better ***** | Waaaagh | (Blank) | Ting-a-ling |
| GIANNI VERSACE | Suit you sir ***** | Sartorial elegance ***** | Functional but stylish ***** | A return for the pinstripe ***** | Clings where it hugs where it shapes ***** | More lycra for Signor Dredd ***** | Blam! Blam! Blam! | This stain will never come out |
| JAMES GOLDSMITH | Out! ***** | Out! ***** | Out! ***** | Out! ***** | Out! ***** | Of breath! ***** | I've lost my deposit | Video for Mr Goldsmill? ***** |
| BILL OBVIOUSFILLER | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** | Obviousfiller ***** |