AMIGA POWER, it can't have escaped even the dullest of you, was a computer games magazine. As such, the majority of its readership comprised avid computer game players, the vast majority of that majority being, natch, pre-pubescent males.
But this is AP2.
The complex series of pie-charted demographic profiles and scarily jagged graphical population breakdowns laid out on the floor around me reveal that, in the time between AMIGA POWER and AP2, the core readership group (the "Harper-Schönbaum Mean" as they are called, by those wishing to invent a verisimilar yet utterly random pseudo-scientific label on the spot) have aged. It seems only sensible, then, that the Complete Control section - the tippy-tippy, walkythroughy section of the mag - take account of the new problems in their lives. Problems which now, less and less often, concern where to find bonus fruit.
Perhaps Timmy Norris could provide a guide on how to juggle traditional fatherhood image considerations with writing for a well-known "interactive entertainment for men" magazine, or Jonathan produce a series of tips for rentinga flat? Cam might like to take time off hiding his firearm collection from those trying to enforce recent legislation to talk us through motorbikes; which to buy, how to fix them, why they attract fat women, and so on.
I, however, will start the ball rolling by offering a playing guide to the thing that tyrannises your every waking second - How To Get Girls To Sleep With You. Like they say, "write about what you know," eh? Eh?
1) Don't smell (take care to jump over the cowpats and avoid over-using the "run" or "panic" modes).
Already, of course, I've led you astray. I do not do so by writing DANGEROUS LIES in self-referential mimicry of Cam's infamously mendacious Cannon Fodder Guide in AP's original Complete Control section, but merely through want of qualification.
Don't smell... odd. Few things are as likely to make a girl Not Sleep With You (NSWY) as smelling of something the origin of which she cannot identify. Even reeking of curry is OK in the sense that she'll think "Pwooh - he's had a curry then," which is something she'd probably do herself - everyone's got to eat. To give off an odour which, say, isn't quite cheese and yet isn't quite paraffin, is fatal. Not knowing its source, she'll have to imagine how it came about, and she'll imagine the worst. I'm not suggesting you should smell of curry, though, you understand. No, ideally, you should give off a distinctive, bright fragrance that speaks of cleanness and freshness. For this reason, you will find TCP the perfect power-up.
2) Your mates are on a Mission From God to prevent you ever sleeping with anyone.
If you see a gang of Your Mates, jump on their heads to gain bonus points.
You love your mates. They make very few unwanted demands, encourage you to pursue excess and never ask anything of value from you. Yet they are, we have to step back and admit, a group of loud, embarrassing, uncouth, insensitive, dim witted, drunken tossers. Your life is destined to be full of saying "God, I'm sorry about my mates" to an endless series of women who, by this point, have hardened in their decision to NSWY. Use your mates merely to imply contrast. Before the cock has had chance to crow even once say "C'mon, let's get away from these idiots" and lead her from their elephant impressions, sighing in weariness and disbelief.
4. Avoid the Alcohol Traps
These will reverse your controls.
Many young men suffer from Alcohol Bulimia - gorging oneself on lager only to throw it all up down the toilet later. It's a distressing condition probably provoked by society's expectations or something, and, even more tragically, sufferers get little sympathy. Usually those ill with AB can expect only a NSWY response and accusations of being attention-seeking.
If avoiding the Alcohol Traps is impossible (you're on the Wedding Reception level with its free bar, for example), then off-set their effects by eating the Food Items to put a magic lining on your stomach. (This must be done beforehand. "I drink the twelve cans of Breaker, then go for a kebab to "put a lining on my stomach" - why do I keep waking up alone in a wet bed?" is a common complaint from gamers.) The Alcohol Traps will reverse your witty banter, Stephen Fry in the head becoming Nicky Campbell on the lips. You'll probably dribble. There are other reversals too, ones we cannot mention on a family web page.