*Shot through the head at an early age, by the age of five Andrew had risen to the top of a ladder trying to prove a scientific theory so startling that he dared not even hint of it to anyone.

As inventor of the Rubik Cube, Andrew would have become extremely rich. In 1990, the arrival of his identical twin heralded a remarkably unfunny phase in Andrew's life, which also included his winning the lottery but having the ticket eaten by a dog, a case of mistaken identity and a temporary promotion at work. Bored of the insecurity of Woody Allen, Andrew struck out for fresh challenges, but settled for fresh bread from the bread shop. It was there that he met the woman who was to be his wife, a nutty sort of currant loaf. Their wedding was the social event of the year, although she left him soon afterwards to become a piece of toast.

Andrew's credentials cannot be peccabled. They are on the finest vellum with a really lovely wax sort of seal. When he grows up, Andrew hopes to be dead, at which point he will spring into action.