PREVIOUSLY ON "IT WAS A TIME OF DARKNESS":
Princess Breasts, Ash and Inspector Petit-Pivic, ambushed by the army of Grimsaxhaibailak on its way to invade Akansaxchukabuk, have been propelled into a realm of slack grammar by the maajikcke of General Redmax.
Meanwhile, atop the umbrella factory, we find the sinister secret headquarters of the rascally Penguin and his fine feathered finks.
(Scene: An unfocused face. Gradually the face resolves into Princess Breasts'. Reverse angle shows groggy Ash.)
ASH: The last I remember is a crushing gerundial ennui. How could we possibly have survived?
PRINCESS: I realised in the nick of time it's the fluidity of a language that keeps it alive. Of course, that still leaves us in an impassable wasteland. And Petit-Pivic's in a bad way. (She indicates the Inspector lying whey-faced under a blanket.) She tried to maintain the relevancy of 'art' as a second person singular present indicative of 'to be.' (She gently strokes the Inspector's brow.) The poor crazy kid.
ASH (scanning the bleak horizon): It must be weeks to the nearest village.
PRINCESS: General Redmax's army was practically at the gates of Akansaxchukabuk. My people are lost.
ASH: I think you're underestimating Captain Raxinfraxin and Dixdastardlax. They may be double-crossing jackals, but this is a matter of civic pride.
(Cut to besieged Akansaxchukabuk. Night. Flames leap all around. Crane down to Captain Raxinfraxin and Dixdastardlax rallying townspeople.)
RAXINFRAXIN: We must put aside our differences and fight the common foe.
DIXDASTARDLAX: He's right. Let's co-operate. (To eager baker.) No, we've no time for pie, ma'am. Attack, men! Let's win one for the old Acker.
(A great shout. The people surge from the square.)
RAXINFRAXIN (waving them off with a fixed grin): I'll settle with you afterwards, treacherous swine.
DIXDASTARDLAX (clapping him across the shoulders): And I with you, filthy squirrel.
(A moment, then Raxinfraxin breaks off waving to back-punch Dixdastardlax in the face. The wizard tumbles over the battlements.)
RAXINFRAXIN: Oh no! What a terrible accident! (He turns to look, revealing a Shoot Me sign pinned to his back. A rock bounces off his head. Cut back to plain.)
ASH: But what of us? We haven't even any supplies.
PRINCESS: Wait - Petit-Pivic has a bag of nourishing military-issue strawberry energy sweets.
ASH: Oh, not strawberry.
PRINCESS: Well, help us! You're a wood spirit - can't you, I don't know, snap your fingers and transport us all to the divine house of the gods, or something?
ASH (knuckling forehead): I can't believe it. How could I have forgotten? Sorry. (Snaps fingers. Flash of light.)
(Cut to heavenly road leading to divine house of the gods. Two deities walk along conversing animatedly; a third scuffs behind them sullenly.)
GOD OF LOVE: You'll like it, Friar Crosby. All do.
FRIAR: It's a great honour. I'd always just thought of it as my duty to help others.
GOD OF LOVE: You're too modest. Do you know you're the first saint to attain godhood in 500 years?
FRIAR: Yes - I am a god, after all. Ha ha!
GOD OF LOVE: Ha ha! Come on, Hope, we'll be late.
GOD OF HOPE: Oh, what's the point?
(Blinding flash. Ash, Princess Breasts and Inspector Petit-Pivic plummet into shot, crushing the gods.)
PRINCESS: Petit-Pivic's made a miraculous recovery.
ASH (gloomily): Happens all the time around here.
PETIT-PIVIC: I've had such a funny episode.
ASH (after a beat): I'm not exactly welcome among the gods at the moment. (Rubs chin.) This requires trickery.
(Cut to gates of divine house of the gods. The party approaches, disguised in the crushed deities' robes.)
GATEKEEPER: Who walks the road to utopia?
ASH: Hope.
PETIT-PIVIC: Crosby.
PRINCESS: The spirit of love.
GATEKEEPER: Right, in you go then.