Jonathan Nash

"No, really"? Like it's a gimmick, or something? Heavens to Betsy Ross.

"Bother," as it happens, has both a bilabial consonant and a satisfying vowel sound, thus adhering to Stuart's ideal of forceful expressiveness. But, of course, I don't limit myself to just the one word. WIthout a scale of release, I'd be like a tiny child, reacting in exactly the same way to being inconvenienced as to banging my nose. I therefore employ a list of phrases, including these:

"Blast!"

"Crumbs."

"For heaven's sake!" (Also "Heavens above!", "Heavens!", "Heavens to Betsy Ross", "Good heavens!" and "Heavens to Murgatroyd.")

"Rats!"

"Blimey."

"Erk." (High in the throat, through clenched teeth.)

"Good lord."

"Humbug!" (But in distress rather than as a Scroogean dismissal.)

"Grrr!" (A particularly interesting one, as it's consciously spoken rather than gutturally spat in animal rage.)

"Ouch!" (This is similarly spelled out, though extendedly and with a touch of petulance.)

"To hell with you then." (Extremely rare.)

"Yikes!"

"Oh - I - ah - ooo - ah - erg." (A bit of gibbering reflecting Mr Wilkins' legendary "I - I - Corwumph!")

"Oh, my giddy aunt." (Also, "sainted aunt.")

"I crave what is yours - articulacy."

"Ruff!" (In The Style Of... Curly Howard.)

"Oh, come on!"

"T-t-t-t-t!" (In The Style Of... Monkey when Tripitaka was doing the headband thing, but with added fist-shaking.)

"Montrose Gimps It Up For Charity" and "Shut Your Mouth, Montrose." (Surprisingly contemporary references to popular beat combo Kenickie. The phrases ring splendidly.)

"Now that's simply not on."

So why aren't I swearing along with everyone else then, readers? It's just a lot of words, after all.

(And I'm certainly unbothered by swearing in films, except where it's a joke and the joke is that someone's swearing.)

Well, chums, it's because it's not in me. The bit about finding the Viking Funeral party after accidentally being left behind and thus missing the unbearably moving ceremony - a point at which I was as unguardedly upset as I've ever been - is entirely true. (Although I think I added, "I ought to knock your silly heads together.") And no doubt there's something terribly revelatory and meaningful to do with losing control and the frightening power of anger, so that's me told, eh?

Do I disapprove of swearing? I rather think I do at heart.

(I am however committed to seeing people who asterisk out swear-words bracingly thumped. Either use the word or don't.)*

Delightfully, the rest of AP would strangledly milden their expletives if I was to hand and they weren't particularly enraged, and both Cam and Sue touchingly barked, "Bother!" on a handful of occasions. But generally people haven't the faintest idea how to take non-swearingness; I've had reactions from bafflement through alarm to (when I play Marathon and, upon being killed, call out genuinely, "Good shot!" and "Well done!") naked hostility.) Well, to hell with them.

Pleasingly, there is much nowadays in the way of twistedly genteel remonstration once more, from Stephen Fry's erudite fuisillades to Armando Ianucci's asides to Mr Tony Blair, all furthering the cause of imaginative cussing, but fostering revulsion in none but the people who put "bloody" in a recent poll of the top twenty most offensive swear-words. At number sixteen.

The bothersome ninnies!