Yeah, okay, so it's not a very original point. But there comes a time in every gamesplayer's life, I think, when he or she has to finally stand up and say 'RIGHT! That's IT! That's ENOUGH! Have a NEW BLOODY IDEA or I'm buggering off back to comic books and phone box vandalism and Take That records right NOW!' For me, unluckily for the Ottifants, that time is now.

It's not even a remotely endearing kind of cutesy platformer, this one. You play what appears to be a grey anteater in a blue nappy, and your purpose in life appears to be to lollop around collecting tiny little indistinct fishy-shaped things and taking them to a giant anteater at the end of the level. Each level (there are half-a-dozen worlds with who-cares-how-many stages in each) is populated by about four baddies (or that's how many it seems like - you only ever seem to see one at a time), which you can get rid of by shooting peas out of your nose or jumping on them, although the first time you jump on them you appear to lose energy, unless they're the kind of baddies that die after one jumping-on, of course.

Following me so far? I hope not. I hope you've looked at the score at the end and thought 'I'm not buying that' and skipped straight to some other, more interesting review. That's certainly what I'm going to do. Cheerio. (No you're not. Get back here. - Ed)

Look, there's nothing even slightly interesting about The Ottifants. The character isn't likeable (he's far too twee for that). The graphics aren't impressive. The gameplay is slow and repetitive and tedious and formulaic to a level so high it just isn't funny any more. The levels are littered with ridiculous curved surfaces that you can't stand on properly, loads of the traditional 'bits that you have to leap into blindly and hope there isn't a bottomless pit or some spikes at the end of it, although there always is', some ridiculously unfriendly-to-use springs for jumping onto needlessly hard-to-reach areas and stupid switches that make a block appear out of thin air (you're supposed to suck it up into your snout and blow it out at baddies or use it as a stepping stone), but which if you press them again make the block disappear, then reappear again out of the same bit of thin air. Which is a ludicrous complaint, I know, but it's stretching the crazy cartoon logic of games beyond the acceptably daffy into the just plain lazy and crap and it makes me depressed and unhappy.

Now, surely Sega can't be expecting this to sell in any numbers. Even if anyone outside of Germany had ever heard of the Ottifants, there are (probably literally) a hundred other platformers already out there identical in style and better in some or every way that they could buy instead. So why do it like this? Why not take the opportunity to experiment with something that had just the tiniest spark of originality to it? What have they got to lose? The worst that could happen would be that it would flop commercially, which it's liable to do anyway, but they'd at least get a few critical brownie points for trying something different.

The best that could happen would be that everyone would be swept away with the excitement of a truly new game style on their Mega Drive and, as with Lemmings or Tetris or any of the video-gaming phenomena of the last 10 years, they'd have an unspeakably enormous hit on their hands that'd probably finance another five years' worth of useless film licences. So why, Sega? Why do you insist on being so stupid and pathetic and crap when it would make not only artistic but commercial sense to be just a bit more interesting when you've got a no-chance title like this anyway? I could be wrong, of course, and The Ottifants could shoot past Street Fighter 2 and Lethal Enforcers and Sonic Spinball to be the Christmas Number One and make me look totally stupid. But I doubt it.

Still, some of the map-screen music's quite good.

VERDICT
A complete and utter waste of time in every way imaginable. You'd have to be mad to even think about it.

Useless formula drivel. Except not that good.
44%

Now, okay, technically The Ottifants isn't actually terrible in any way. It's vaguely pretty, vaguely competently programmed, pretty average generally, rather than utterly crap. But I despise it passionately, and some might say irrationally. But hey, I'm not just picking on it.

1. Whoopi Goldberg
Don't you just loathe people who use volume as a substitute for personality?

2. War
War, war is stupid, and people are stupid.

3. People
(Steady on, Stu. - Ed)

4. Competence
Don't you think it's the height of arrogance to be 'average'? People are paying for this. If you're going to do it, do it properly.

5. Everything else
Today, anyway. Could I have a good game again next time, Tim?

1. Mickey Mouse
Goody-two-shoes-squeaky-voiced little git.

2. Minnie Mouse
Mickey Mouse, but less hard.

3. Lassie
Bit clean for a dog, isn't she?

4. Ken from Street Fighter 2
Get a haircut, you girl.

5. Bambi
You sap, Bambi. Why don't you get after that hunter with a bloody machete instead of sitting whimpering at some bloody rabbit?