Following some unfortunate investments in timeshares, snake oil and rival magazine companies, Stuart Campbell makes the wise choice to spend his money on a shiny new PC instead.

Doomsayers will have you believe that PC ownership has peaked and is on the decline, with worrying ramifications for the future of PC gaming. Statistics appear to support this claim, but if you ask this reporter, it’s nothing to do with a saturated market, the rise of the super-consoles, Internet access through the TV, or anything else. It’s down to the fact that actually physically buying a new PC appears to be very nearly fucking impossible. I am not making any of the following up.

WEEK 1, DAY 1: Seeking to replace a crumbly and disintegrating old 950MHz machine a couple of months ago, but wary of the overpriced, underspecced tat on offer on the High Street, your correspondent makes the soon-to-be disastrous error of plumping for mail order instead. Chooses a well-established (over a decade) company and despatches a cheque for many hundreds of pounds.

WEEK 1, DAY 3: “We’re a bit short of stock at the moment, there’s an unseasonal rush on, but we’ll try to get it to you this week. Yes, of course we’ve already cashed your cheque.”

WEEK 2: “Should definitely be with you next week.”

WEEK 3: “The boat carrying all our motherboards over from Europe sank.”

WEEK 4, DAY 1: “You’ll have it on Tuesday.”

WEEK 4, DAY 2: “Okay, Wednesday.”

WEEK 4, DAY 3: “Honest, tomorrow, no kidding.”

WEEK 4, DAY 4: PC arrives, missing several important parts, and refusing to so much as switch on.

WEEK 5, DAY 3: Just six short days later, company arranges to collect non-working PC.

WEEK 6: “We’ve run out of motherboards and CPUs again. And memory.”

WEEK 7, DAYS 2-5: Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring. Ring ring.

WEEK 8, DAY 1: After trying six different phone numbers and waiting another three days, your reporter finally manages to speak to a human employee of the Trading Standards office (“This helpline is open Monday to Friday from 10.30am to 12 noon. Please leave a message, in order that we may gather round the machine and have a good laugh at the end of the day, because we’re as sure as bollocks not going to ring you back”), who reveals that “European Computers Ltd has stopped trading, or gone into receivership, or liquidation, or something. We’re not sure. Did you know that our staffing levels have been reduced by around 80% by the government over the last few years?” Reply that no, I didn’t know that, but am very comforted that the money was spent on something as splendid as the Millennium Dome instead. Am delighted to learn that computing magazines are practically the only ones in the country who don’t subscribe to any scheme to protect readers from dodgy advertisers.

WEEK 9, DAY 1: Learning at least one lesson, select even more established mail-order company and cough up the extra 40 quid (!) to pay by credit card.

WEEK 9, DAY 3: “We’re a bit short of stock at the moment, there’s an unseasonal rush on, but we’ll try to get it to you this week. Yes, of course we’ve already debited your credit card."

WEEK 9, DAY 4: The Nintendo Gamecube costs £130.

WEEK 10, DAY 5: “I’ve just seen, with my own eyes this very minute, your machine being tested on the bench. If the tests are all okay, we’ll get it out this afternoon.”

WEEK 11, DAY 1: “We don’t have any memory chips in stock at all at the moment. No, there’s no possible way your machine could have been being tested on Friday, I don’t know who told you that. If the chips come in today, we’ll get it sent for tomorrow.”

WEEK 11, DAY 2: “The chips arrived and your machine is half-built. Unfortunately, I’ve just looked at the specs you gave us when you ordered the machine two full weeks ago, and have only just noticed that you need four drive bays and our normal cases only have three, so I’ll have to strip the machine back down, order another case, rebuild it all when that arrives in a couple of days time, and start the testing again. There’s no need for that kind of language.”

WEEK 12: Now £1,500 down. Still no new PC. Writing this column with my Psion organiser. I’ll keep you posted. Can someone else get the screenshots for Emulation Zone this month? Ta.