Namely, letting somebody else deal with all the chancy stuff, and simply hiring a big stand like any normal company. And so it is with Live '95, the 'consumer electronics' bash which is building itself a little yearly niche at Earls Court in London. Under the cover of a simple news story, we despatched several shadowy agents to PROBE FOR THE TRUTH about its numerous attractions.

THE ULTIMATE FUTURE GAMES SHOW

Our Hades-spawned multinational paymasters, Future Publishing, would very much like you to visit this cunningly-branded booth ('completely interactive area'), where you will have the opportunity to 'play' on over 200 consoles and PCs, and witness 'challenges', 'give-aways', 'hot new games', 'celebrity guests' and 'thousands of freebies'. You will also be empowered to ask searching questions of the many magazine editors who will be lurking uncomfortably in the area, such as 'Which is the best beat-'em-up?', and 'Er, can I have a job on your magazine? I'll be 15 next birthday'. Only with care and diligence may you expect to come out alive. 'It promises', claims the show's press release, 'to be non-stop fun and action all the way'.

95.8 CAPITAL FM AND MICROSOFT TOTAL ENTERTAINMENT ZONE

Conversely, this curious combining of commercial interests 'Is promising to be a non-stop party'. Capital FM, a local independent radio station, is for some reason offering show visitors a thrilling cavalcade of what it describes, with slightly alarming vagueness, as 'bunjee fun', in addition to the even more frightening 'laser battles' and the positively incomprehensible 'laser dancing', presented by the station's 'top jocks'. The involvement of Microsoft, a huge behemoth run by the third richest man in the world and dealing exclusively in operating systems and software for personal computers, has YET TO BE EXPLAINED.

ICE AT LIVE '95

Further wireless-based misbehaviour can be found here, where KISS FM 'will be pumpin' up the volume' with 'five hours of wicked house, garage and dance tunes each day' during the final of the National Sound Off Challenge competition. Our sources were strangely non-committal as to the precise nature of this, but nevertheless promised that it would feature 'sound levels in excess of Concorde'.

BT'S INTERNET CAFE

'Calling all cyberpunks, chill out and surf the net at BT's Internet Cafe.', offered an insider to one of our surly henchmen. We ELIMINATED HIM.

NATIONAL YOUTH ROCK AND POP AWARDS

Those who live in fear of the satanic possession of our nation's youth that is so-called, self-styled 'rock'n'roll' will doubtless be relieved to hear that this segment of the event will be in the reliable hands of Richard Skinner (Virgin Radio), Jeremy Silver (Virgin Records) and the estimable Phil Collins (whose recording company momentarily eludes us). Further study of the information at our disposal reveals that 'Held in conjunction with the Times Educational Supplement this contest leaves the playing of, and listening to the schools' National Curriculum this is about finding composing talent - something in which the UK has excelled in the past'. This leads us to the inescapable conclusion that we have intercepted some kind of secret coded transmission, the true meaning of which our agents are attempting to decipher even now.

LIVE'S NATIONAL BATTLE OF THE BANDS

'Forget Opportunity Knocks and Stars In Their Eyes! This is the big one!'

We are sure that you will wish to visit LIVE '95. We provide the following information to assist you, and for no other reason.

Live '95

Tuesday 19 - Sunday 24 September

Earls Court, London

Adult tickets £8, children under 16 £4

Tickets are available from all 252 London Underground stations, or through First Call (0171 396 4545)