EDGE'S 10 COMMANDMENTS - June 1993
| Steve: Tossing Jesus wank hell! I hope the seven deadly sins are a
bit easier than this. Remind me never to try re-writing the Bible again. If you think
these are shit, er, I won't be too offended. Sorry. (1) I am Edge, who brought you out of Disneyworld, out of the land of small children with big eyes and too much pocket money. I am Edge, who brought you from the Land of Pong to the Promised Land wherein dwell really big sprites and hardware scaling and rotation and all that neat stuff. I am Edge, and that wasn't really Pong you caught me playing last week when I thought everybody had gone home, no way. (2) You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of the latest hi-tech machinery from the Lands of the Orient, for as surely as exist the heavens and the Earth, as soon as you buy it for £900 on grey import, it will be released officially with updated specification and a security chip at half the price. (3) You shall not misuse the name of Sonic The Hedgehog as a metaphor for the world of video games in general, for that does truly get on everybody's wick something rotten. (4) Remember the Sabbath day by getting up at 6.30am, finishing Sonic 2 twice before breakfast, going through Super Aleste on Hard level with one hand while eating your toast with the other, and spending the rest of the day looking for Action Replay codes to let you play the bosses on Street Fighter 2, without success. In six days the Lord made the heaven and the earth, so there's no reason for YOU to go getting yourself involved in any hard bloody work. (5) Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long beyond the borders of the Land of Boredom, for they are your only earthly chance of ever getting enough money to buy more than three games a year unless you're Terry Wogan. (6) You shall not murder - except in the case of slavering green aliens, big muscley bad guys, enemy stormtroopers and innocent bystanders who are just asking for it by foolishly standing in the path of your gunfire. (7) You shall not commit adultery (ie play with both consoles AND computers, or Sega AND Nintendo). Unless you really want to. (8) You shall not steal, even in the face of the sternest temptation, like SNES Mickey Mouse for £59.99. (Insert name of really stupidly expensive game eight months from now when nobody can remember Mickey Mouse) (9) You shall not give false testimony to the Department Of Trade And Industry's enquiry into whether games are too expensive or not. (10) You shall not covet your neighbour's Neo Geo. You shall not covet your neighbour's FM Towns Marty, his PC Engine Duo, his import copy of Street Fighter 2 Turbo - Hyper Fighting, his Colecovision, his ox or his donkey. (You're losing this now, aren't you? - Ed) |
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