You know, people are always complaining that I'm negative and cynical and bitter. That I've never got anything constructive to say.

Well, you can go and lick some pigs if you think that. Here's some things that games SHOULD be:

A PERFECT WORLD

No. 1 - PLAYABLE WITHOUT HAVING TO READ THE INSTRUCTION MANUAL FIRST

No-one reads the manual when they get a new game. At least, no-one who doesn't tuck their shirt into their pants. You know this is true.

Every good game in the world ever makes it immediately obvious, on at least a basic level, what you're supposed to do and how you're supposed to do it.

Name me an exception to this rule, and I'll name you a smelly old lion (game).

Flight sims are for losers.

COOL WORLD

No. 2 - ALWAYS WON BY THE BEST PLAYER.

This is why Kick Off was rubbish, and it's why most beat-'em-ups are rubbish. What's the point in playing a game properly if someone can beat you by randomly hammering all the buttons?

And don't say they can't, either. I've beaten some of the best Street Fighter players in the world just by waggling the joypad like crazy and hitting everything at once. John Madden, also.

Why should you get to win if you're no good? In real life, too.

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

No. 3 - DIFFICULT ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR PALMS SWEAT OCCASIONALLY.

Game players today are so soft it makes me sick. They sulk and give up if it takes them more than three goes to finish a level, or if there isn't a save point every time you do anything.

Hard games, on the other hand, give you a challenge, improve your skills, and let you feel really smug if you beat them. It's exciting to play them, because you don't know if you're going to win or not. Anything else and you're just watching a cartoon.

LIVING IN A DREAM WORLD

No. 4 - NOT WRITTEN BY AMERICANS

Americans are morons. You only have to watch the Ricki Lake show to see that.

So why do we let them dictate the kind of games we play? All the best games in the world (since 1979, anyway) were written by, well, everyone else. Look:

Mario - Japan. Sensible Soccer - UK. Tetris - Russia. Ridge Racer - Japan.

Knight Lore - UK. Zelda - Japan. Etc.

America? Doom. And that's all. Can't we just ignore them, or something?

THE REAL WORLD

Of course, none of this will ever happen. Publishers love big fat manuals because a complicated game looks like better value for money. (A-ha ha ha.)

Modern game players, as I've said before, are wimps and whingers.

And Americans have got us outnumbered.