This month, I've decided not to shout at anyone. Instead, an amusing and inoffensive article about licences.

Won't that be nice?

SILLY THING

You see, for once it appears that the games biz has actually listened to the protestations of magazines and game players. Yes it has.

Because although the shelves of your local software shop groan under the weight of loads of identical driving and fighting games, one particularly loathed genre is noticeably missing.

What's happened to all the terrible licenced games? Where have they gone? Who has killed them?

NEVER TRUST A HIPPY

No.1 - EVERTON FC INTELLIGENCIA

Published by Amfas for the Amiga and ST, this lost classic quizzed you and your chums on fantastic trivia about, obviously, Everton FC.

Scornful of the notion that they were limiting their potential audience somewhat, Amfas proudly boasted that EFCI would sort out the Everton men from the Everton boys.

Everyone took them at their word.

NO ONE IS INNOCENT

No.2 - JOCKY WILSON'S DARTS CHALLENGE

The chances of the chubby arrow maestro ever starring in a glamorous video game must have seemed remote when he first took the oche in a grimy working men's club in urban Kirkcaldy.

But soon, his authentically wobbling hands were shuddering around the screen of every Spectrum owner in the land, courtesy of the clearly mad Zeppelin.

He was great on Top Of The Pops, too.

CASH FROM CHAOS

No.3- PETER SHILTON'S HANDBALL MARADONA

Possibly the most shameful attempt ever at cashing in on emotional nationalism, the title of this generic Maradona-less footy game from 1987 said it all:

"We got drubbed by a far better team who cheated at one point, which is our excuse to sulk about it for 5 years."

Even WITH his arms in the air, Maradona was 3" shorter than Peter Shilton. And he was ALLOWED to use his hands. Ha.

EINMAL WAR BELSON BORTREFFLICH

No.4 - 'ALLO 'ALLO

As if it wasn't bad enough to take the mickey out of the heroic fighters of the French Resistance with a useless sub-Carry On TV show, someone decided to turn it into a funny video game.

With comedy characters with great big stupid heads and no trousers on.

If there's ever a war, we'll all still be so busy laughing we'll probably all get shot dead. By the French. Yeah.

BLACK ARABS

So you see, things aren't all bad for gamers. There haven't been any terrible licence games like those for ages now. Maybe the PSX and Saturn killed them all off with exciting arcade stuff.

Then again, maybe everyone just forgot. Maybe by mentioning it, I've just reminded the games biz how much easy money they can make with a big name and a useless game tacked onto it.

Oh no! What have I done?