PC owners whining about Goldeneye? Let's cut to the chase, eh?

And this one? This one's for Pinky.

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Because my dear colleague Biffo was absolutely spot-on when he put the whole row over his hardly-controversial praising of the magnificent Goldeneye down to insecurity on the part of PC owners old enough to know better.

So let's try to put a stop to the whole nonsense by answering the question that REALLY lies at the heart of the sackloads of tedious letters that laid siege to the Digi offices last week.

Who'd win in a fight between PC, N64 and Playstation owners?

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ROUND ONE

The combatants assemble in a huge field surrounded by barbed wire, far away from civilisation to avoid civilian casualties (so probably somewhere in East Anglia. Or Wales).

The booming-voiced MC (specially flown in from Street Fighter Zero) hollers "Round One - Fight!"

Immediately, the PC owners shout "Hang on, we haven't finished installing our special BIOSes and rebooting the system yet. Give us a few minutes."

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ROUND TWO

After a lengthy delay, the PC owners finally come out swinging. At least, half of them do, the other half having declared themselves incompatible with the type of grass on the field for no obvious reason.

Immediately, they are sent spinning to the ground by an impossibly complicated 27-hit fighting-game combo from the Playstation owners.

The PC owners attempt to quickly research some tanks, but to no avail.

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ROUND THREE

Seeing the opportunity for a quick kill, the N64 owners leap on the downed PC owners and start viciously kicking them. But the sight of blood shocks and confuses them, and they stagger away in revulsion and regroup in a corner to watch some nice cartoons for a while.

Meanwhile, the Playstation owners decide to try some more of their fancy moves. But it takes so long to download them from their outdated 2-speed brains that the PC owners have time to recover and make good their escape.

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ROUND FOUR

(Around this time, three Dreamcast owners wander onto the field, entirely unheralded by their manager, and are immediately torn to pieces by the mob.)

Unfortunately, the PC owners blunder straight into the N64 owners. Incensed at the gritty reality interrupting their cartoon-watching, the N64 owners rise up as one shrieking mass and set about the PC owners with giant comedy mallets, clubbing them half to death.

(Leaving them with a half life. Ha.)

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ROUND FIVE

At this point, the Playstation owners finally arrive after their long "loading" delay. Selecting randomly from their enormous range of different available attacking strategies, they lay into both sides. Unfortunately, 98% of their attacks are totally rubbish.

The PC owners rally, using their expensive high-tech fighting equipment to pummel the PS owners with a withering barrage of fire. But just as they get the upper hand, half of their equipment inexplicably blows up.

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ROUND SIX

By now, relying on clever and original thinking, the N64 owners have split from the main battle and are picking off dozens of opponents from the edges of the field, using their incredibly easy-to-operate sniper's rifles.

Before they can fully capitalise on their advantage, though, they suddenly and unexpectedly run out of ammunition, the already-shaky supply from their support team having completely dried up. At this point, their mums call them in and they have to go home to bed.

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ROUND SEVEN

Taking heart from the elimination of one set of opponents, the remaining Playstation and PC owners fight with renewed vigour.

But the PS owners trendy "street" clothing is badly suited to the boggy terrain, and as their enormous trainers become caked and clogged with mud and offal, they find it almost impossible to lift their feet. (And when they do, they trip over trailing bits of baggy-crotch jeans and combat pants.) Defeat seems inevitable.

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ROUND EIGHT

But the PC owners have their own problems. Fat, unfit, and unused to being outdoors under the hot sun, they too begin to wilt (and smell), and at the crucial moment of the battle they become distracted by a debate over who was the best character in Babylon 5 and are consumed by bitter infighting.

Bored and disgusted at the senseless slaughter, the crowd wander off to watch Skunk Anansie, who are playing to an audience of four men and a dog in a neighbouring field.

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And the moral of this story? There isn't one. It was just a load of pointless chuntering nonsense that nobody sensible cared about in the slightest. Do you see?

The next time anyone tries to tell me that the videogames market is now "mature", I'm going to give them such a smack their teeth'll spin.

And anyway, EVERYONE knows that Super Mario 64 is the best game ever.