When/you let me drown/grew gills and fins/now I'm as deep as the sea

("Hello viewers!")

This month: Poetry. Whatever.

PAGE 2

So, where did all the games go, then? After the ludicrous flood of Christmas, things have dried up to the extent where I'm finding it difficult this month to locate six new games to fill one of my regular magazine columns.

Is it just me, or is this an idiotically stupid state of affairs?

It can't be healthy for the games industry to do ALL its business in December, and it's a pain for the rest of us. So why does it still happen? What are they, stupid or something?

PAGE 3

And here's another thing - every single industry award for Best Game, Best Developer and Best Publisher last year went to Tomb Raider 2, Core and Eidos - a one-trick pony, and a pretty old trick at that. (Specifically, bosoms.)

Rare, on the other hand, released Blast Corps, Diddy Kong Racing and Goldeneye, and didn't win a sausage.

What's the point? Why bother releasing truly astonishing games if no-one's going to notice, care or appreciate them? Why waste everyone's time?

PAGE 4

Adidas Power Soccer 2 owners! Here's a top tip.

Are you stuck back in defence, under pressure from opposition attackers who just won't quit? Here's the surefire, never-fail solution.

Get the ball, hold down the "speed burst" buttons and sprint in a straight line to the opposition penalty box. Stop dead around the penalty spot, and wait for the tackles - a guaranteed penalty every time. It'd be funny if it wasn't so damn incompetent.

PAGE 5

Speaking of incompetence - it's amazing, don't you think, that after all these years of working in the computing business, still none of us here can perform the simplest tasks, such as setting up a newsgroup for Digi fans to chat inanely about stuff.

If anyone knows how, could you drop us a line? Or better still, do it for us, so we don't have to worry about it.

A good name would be, for example, uk.videogames.digitiser. Or something like that. Oh, go on. Please?

PAGE 6

On the other hand, using the entire combined knowledge at our disposal, we HAVE finally managed to set up a proper IRC channel, where we can throw our weight around and kick people off and act dead important and everything.

This is actually a better idea than it initially seems - astonishingly, there isn't a single general public forum for discussing any games-related issues in the whole of the UK. True.

It's on DALnet, and the "channel" is called #digi98. It might just work.

PAGE 7

Of course, it won't. What happens every time we do this is that the channel gets full of people all saying this:

"Kill The Man!"

"Why are you called Mr Biffo?"

"You suck!"

"Where is Mr Hairs?"

"S Campbell's column was rubbish this week! Was he drunk stupid on special alcopops when he wrote it, or what?"

PAGE 8

Anyone would think that the games-playing public didn't WANT a voice. Anyone would think you were HAPPY to be treated like subnormal nine-year-olds. Anyone would think... oh, never mind.

Pay me no heed, viewers. Just joking. Sometimes, the whole sorry mess just gets a bit depressing, that's all. Nothing ever happens in January.

Are you looking at my column, pal?