"But Stuart, that can't possibly be everyone. Tell us this - who else is stupid?"

So I will.

ALSO STUPID

No. 5: All console manufacturers.

Because 95% of all TVs sold today are capable of displaying full-screen 60Hz pictures. Putting a 50/60Hz switch on new consoles would cost pennies.

But no. Not only must we wait up to a year for European versions of top hits, even then we still get repulsive black borders and dismal comparative speed.

So give us a switch, bring out the PAL version six months later for the 5%, and see if we care. YOU STINKING DOGS.

CLEVERNESS-IMPAIRED

No.6: Little hype monkeys who buy games without reading any reviews first.

Okay, so most game reviews these days are written by Siamese Archer Fish (clueless idiots). That is true.

But from all the mags around, you should be able to find at least one person whose views roughly coincide with your own. So read them. First.

Alternatively, buy Wing Commander 1-99 over and over again and wonder why it's so rubbish. For the rest of your life.

SMART? I DON'T THINK SO.

No.7: Anyone who's ever written a letter to anyone anywhere in the world ever about the Nintendo 64 and how great/rubbish it is/isn't.

You don't know.

You haven't a clue.

You've never seen one.

It's not finished yet.

SHUT UP ABOUT IT.

HOMER SIMPSON'S MORE-STUPID BROTHER

No.8: The Official PlayStation Magazine

"Let's get it straight from the start - most of the games rated at five or over are still worth buying." They say.

So, for example, in a useless month like this one (eight reviews, average score 5.5), you're saying that there are still 7 games (total price £305) that we should definitely still buy?

Sony must love PSM. What a coincidence. No, I take it back. PSM aren't stupid. They just think you are.

SLOW LEARNER

"So, Stuart, is that all the people who are stupid?"

Of course not, my child. There are many more, but we should speak not of them.

"Then of what should we speak of? Of."

We should speak joy of Quake, for it is the second-best game of all time.

"But Quake is only 40% complete. Tops."