Fnerk spang grimp blim blam werp, narf poit egad. Prap prap weeeeeep k'toing k'toing. Yirk smeegle goog diddley qua qua. Groit lonk jimba spizz.

Ruup sking dibble lager lager lager ftoomch, zzub dhat ghoow llankhrs.

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But anyway. I've got a few points to make this month, chums, so I'll keep 'em brief.

Firstly: Nintendo 64 drops in price by 40%. Sales increase by around 2000%. Could it just possibly be that there's some kind of lesson to be learned here?

What, exactly, is it going to take before the software industry notices? Maybe if we set their faces on fire with petrol, that might help. It's got to be worth a try, anyway.

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A few of you have doubted, in the past, the obvious truth that games firms hate you, and think you're stupid morons.

I bought a Virtual Boy for £50 last week, and was reading the instructions to make sure I didn't melt my head.

"Problem: there is an image on screen, but it is not clear or not in 3D."

"Solution: make sure that your face is firmly pressed against the eyeshade and that you have both eyes open." True.

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And another thing - Namco Museum, and other games which have "sideways screen" modes. The instructions always read a bit like this:

1. To use sideways screen mode, turn your TV on its side and press the X button to switch the display.
2. ON ABSOLUTELY NO ACCOUNT EVER TURN YOUR TV ON ITS SIDE OR IT WILL EXPLODE, YOU IDIOT.

What's that all about, then?

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Point 4: Stuart N Hardy will die unloved.

Point 5: The "N" probably stands for "nothing interesting to say, no sense of humour, no-one cares, now shoot me."

Point 6: Just a personal opinion, folks. No offence intended.

Point 7: "But he's better than Sony, because I've got a Saturn and it's great. Digi, you suck. I want to be a journalist when I grow up."

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It's been over a decade, and seven games, since the first Super Mario Brothers. In all that time, no-one else has EVER managed to grasp why the Mario games are so great and produce a clone even half as good as the originals.

So why every halfwitted developer currently producing a shoddy SM64 clone suddenly thinks they can drip around going "Yeah, we think it's going to be a real Mario-beater" is beyond me.

Please shut up, you worthless clowns.

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Look, for goodness' sake, neither I nor the lovely Fat Sow said multi-player games were rubbish. What we said was multi-player games WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS THE OTHER PLAYERS are rubbish.

Playing against invisible people by modem, in almost all cases, is a pastime strictly for friendless anoraked Trekkies.

And yes, I know you hate being called "Trekkies". Trekkies Trekkies Trekkies.

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And talking about retro gaming, wasn't it nice to see that 1983 C64 classic Way Of The Exploding Fist recreated so well in Soul Blade?

I haven't seen a beat-'em-up you could win by continually crouching and doing a leg sweep for years. Still, great graphics, eh?

"Dear Digi, you gave Rage Racer 91%, but I think it should have got 88%".