- Robert Burns, "To A Louse"

For it was, coincidentally, on the birthday of the Bard himself that I sat down in front of a huge pile of not haggis and whisky (more's the pity), but what looked like an entire nation's output of printed paper. You see, friends, for quite a while now it's been a universally accepted truth that videogames have now become a hip and groovy pastime, daddio, rather than the preserve of kiddies, anoraks and Marillion fans that they were in the dark days Before Playstation. Meet practically anyone from the games business at the ECTS these days and, in my experience, they'll try to punch you in the mouth. But not before telling you that thanks (almost exclusively) to Sony's marketing genius, it's now as cool to talk about Crash Bandicoot down the pub as it is to wax lyrical on the subjects of Melinda Messenger, Michael Owen, how pissed you were last night and whether or not all the scrounging asylum-seeking refugee bastards should all be sent back home to the stinky primitive dirthole country they came from so they can stop stealing our jobs and women and bleeding our Welfare State dry. (And here, of course, I'm talking about the Welsh.)

So, at a loose end as ever, I decided to find out if it was true or not by conducting the most comprehensive survey of Britain's mainstream and lifestyle press ever seen since the last Big Breakfast newspaper-review slot. (8.03 - 8.16 every weekday morning. And that's a personal guarantee.) Clearing WH Smith's shelves of every single publication I could find that was being bought by the games market's primary demographic of 18-30 males (and a copy of Deluxe as well), plus a collection of Saturday papers that I still hadn't finished reading by the following Thursday (it's no wonder nothing ever gets done in this damn country any more. Not by me, at any rate), I sat down and painstakingly documented the coverage of videogames that's being delivered to the 98% of Britain's population that never buys a videogames magazine. The results made for really a lot of reading.

DAILY MIRROR

Not the greatest of starts, it must be said. The Mirror's regular games coverage is restricted to "Mega Mirror" on Saturdays, a kiddies section of the paper which also covers the latest Disney video releases and boy bands. Three or four games get mentions, and there are snippets of news and tips, but usually you can forget it unless you come up with a load of competition prizes. Otherwise, expect a piece like the one on Metal Gear Solid, whose appeal was summed up by, in entirety, "It hits the streets on Feb 26. You play Solid Snake who must regain control of a nuclear base that has been taken over by terrorists." Phew, feel that hype.

DAILY EXPRESS

"Our young expert Alex Feldman, 15, tests The Legend Of Zelda." Gnuk.

THE SUN

Nope.

THE GUARDIAN

One game reviewed a week in The Guide, in the body of a general reviews section also covering music, film, art and theatre. No pictures, but a grown-up's perspective.

THE INDEPENDENT

The magazine in the Sunday edition of the paper includes "Technofile", a PC/Internet-centred page with the odd bit of game news. (This week: A Bug's Life, which the Independent exclusively reveals has some graphics.)

DAILY MAIL

You're joking, of course. The Mail's coverage is strictly along the "Nintendo killed my son" lines.

THE TIMES

Now this was depressing. The Times on Saturday boasts a splendid 48-page reviews magazine called "Metro" ("Your essential guide to what's on in London and the South East", so what the hell it was doing in my Bath newspaper I have no idea), which covers books, films, music, theatre, nightclubs, opera, comedy and just about every other kind of entertainment you could mention. Except, that is, videogames, which get shunted off to "Meg@" (sic), a grim kiddies pullout full of cartoons, fluff TV and "Top goss from Planet Showbiz!" Even then, games get a couple of short reviews seemingly written by a very exciteable 9-year-old, and that's your lot. Oddly, there are also a couple of game reviews shoved in the back of the main paper's "Weekend" section, alongside the chess problems and prize crossword, which would appear to suggest that The Times simply has no idea what to do about these new-fangled modern contraptions whatsoever.

FHM

Britain's biggest-selling magazine of any kind (except the Radio Times) manages to squeeze in just a quarter-page of games reviews (barely a tenth of the space devoted to each of movies and music, and even only half that devoted to hardback books), although at least they get a professional in to write them (ex-EMAP ex-Radion Automatic, Eddy Lawrence).

ARENA

Much more like it - a full page in the Spectator section, equal billing with other entertainment forms, and a nice balance of well-informed, up-to-date coverage. (Normally the bane of lifestyle mags, who have terrifyingly long lead times of up to three months.)

LOADED

An even more impressive two pages of games here, packing in a fair number of reviews with scores like 8.7402 out of 10, written exactly like you'd expect them to be. The nearest thing to the pub-conversation model detailed above, and the first publication with games coverage that doesn't feel like a nerd's ghetto.

DELUXE

But it's a big welcome back to the nerd's ghetto in Deluxe, a desperately poor effort seemingly aimed directly at exactly the sort of bloke who buys games, but in which I couldn't find a single mention of a game anywhere. (Previous issues have featured a single tiny review buried in among the side columns.) Oddly, it's in Deluxe that Edge have chosen to take out a full-page ad. Closed down this month. (Deluxe, that is.)

GQ

No reviews, but the first instance of games-related feature material ("Could you make a game out of Trainspotting or Last Tango In Paris?") - a sure sign of mainstream acceptance.

MAXIM

Back down the Coolness Toilet, though, as Maxim offer a dismal half-page (and even that's "sponsored" by Packard Bell) of big-print reviews averaging out at about 30 words apiece, stuck in an embarrassed left-hand bottom corner in amongst some ads.

ESQUIRE

Physically tiny section, but four or five reviews every month, albeit in a breathless, exclamation-mark-heavy style that's slightly at odds with the tone of the rest of the magazine. Also occasional small feature items.

FRONT

Two pages again, in the Junior-FHM new mag on the block. Shallow but lively coverage, plus they've just commissioned a long-run "History Of Videogaming" feature, going all the way back to before the mag's target audience was born.

Q

Another strong showing, with almost a page devoted to games, but most notable for a Zelda review by Andrew Collins featuring the disturbing line "While [hunting for clues] can be frustrating, when it all slots into place it's like sex ('Ah, so I have to buy a mask for the guard's son before he'll let me up Death Mountain')". NB readers: never have sex with Andrew Collins.

EMPIRE

Notoriously hopeless. Famously gave Goldeneye 3 out of 5 ("Just another Wolfenstein clone" or somesuch), and hasn't noticeably improved since.

THE FACE

Along with Sony, the people chiefly responsible for gaming's improved image. The famed Lara Croft cover story (written by no less a journalistic luminary than The Observer's Miranda Sawyer) was just one of many major games-related features to appear in The Face last year, and there's also a regular full page of reviews and editorial.

Ha ha.