164pp (8 ads plus 2 house ads)

Features ahoy in this mag, and rather more inventive ones than we’ve come to expect, including a shallow but interesting look at the historical connection between movies, games and kung fu fighting in the wake of the release of Jackie Chan’s Stuntmaster. Total Station is also just about the only magazine to preview The World Is Not Enough without a Stalinist glossing over of the diabolical previous Bond game from the same team, the shocking Tomorrow Never Dies, which gets it bonus points from me. Otherwise there’s nothing remarkable going on, and the mag as a whole is limited but likeable.

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 98

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 10

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 70.12% (18 games)

GOOD FOR: Some original thought.

BAD FOR: The truly revolting shade of green on the cover.

VERDICT: As average magazines go, it’s better than average.

OFFICIAL PLAYSTATION MAGAZINE (Future, £4.95 with demo disc)

164pp (32 ads plus 7 house ads)

It’s definitely a testament to something or other that PSM these days employs some of the absolute cream of Future’s writing talent, yet somehow manages to remain such a phenomenally bland and lifeless read. In fact, it’s so incredibly, astoundingly bland that the very magnitude of that blandness almost makes it interesting. But not quite. It takes quite some effort, too, to fill 164 pages without any feature content whatsoever, but PSM pulls it off, month after month, in another triumph of sheer will. Remarkably, this year PSM boasts the lowest average review score of any mag featured, although it does it by, bizarrely, reviewing some terrible games released months and months ago - including the likes of Lucky Luke and Missile Command - for no obvious reason. (And of course, by PSM’s own stated criteria, the score still means that, on average, every single Playstation game released is, and I quote, "worth buying".) Must... write... more... but... can’t... stay... awake....

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 103

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 0 (the only mag with absolutely none)

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 53.6% (25 games)

GOOD FOR: The demo CD, insomnia.

BAD FOR: A magazine.

VERDICT: ... more... Red... Bull... no... it’s... no... use...

PSW (with free 68-page PS2 magazine)

180pp (18 ads)

It was a worrying sign when the first issue of PSW came out with about a trillion pages and not a single feature idea between them, but this month they’ve finally put that right. Unfortunately, they’ve chosen to do it with the single most repellent and contemptible piece of journalism I’ve ever encountered in 20 years of reading games mags (and hey, I’ve read TWO issues of Playstation Plus), in which Stephen Pierce vomits up four pages of mind-bogglingly hysterical, unbalanced and offensive drivel that Josef Goebbels would have rejected as a bit over-the-top, on the subject of piracy. Now, nobody likes piracy (except – well, that’s another story), but the every-single-pirate-is-a-Nazi-paedophile-crack-dealer-who-tortures-babies-to-death nonsense spewing from every paragraph of this poisonous sewage is so patronisingly, obviously, insanely ludicrous as to be entirely self-defeating. (In particular, a truly revolting quote from ELSPA hitman Terry Anslow will drive right-thinking, law-abiding people everywhere into the arms of their local dodgy-disc supplier in sheer disgust.) Still, it’s a start, eh?

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 90

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 4

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 55% (18 games)

PERCENTAGE OF EDITORIAL PAGES GIVEN OVER TO TIPS: A staggering 36% (50 pages out of 140).

GOOD FOR: Tips.

BAD FOR: Anything interesting.

VERDICT: Some quality writers wasted on a mag with (mostly) good intentions, but utterly no soul. Endless pages of tips is a poor substitute.

PLAYNATION (EMAP, £2.70 with free tips book)

116pp (11 ads plus 3 house ads)

Keen masturbators will be disappointed to learn that the ripped-off crudely-censored pornography which used to account for a significant proportion of this mag’s page space when it was known as Playstation Plus is no longer there, so if you get your rocks off looking at pictures of rough old slappers with cabbages over their nipples, you’re going to have to go back to Greengrocers’ Wives Monthly. Similarly, the writing is less grotesque than it used to be – in grammar terms the standard is now right up there with an above-average 10-year-old’s, rather than a drunker and nastier version of Bernard Manning addressing a National Front meeting. So it’s a shame that there’s now a lot less of it – Playnation is by far the slimmest publication covered here, fully 64 pages shy of PSW’s total, and a whacking 42 editorial pages down on Power. Still more feature content than PSM, though.

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 67

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 3

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 57.65% (17 games)

GOOD FOR: Rudeness

BAD FOR: Vegetable breasts

VERDICT: Was that it?

POWER (Future, £2.95 with free tips book)

156pp (17 ads plus 3 house ads)

Power seems to lead a charmed life as far as these round-ups go. It was excellent when I first reviewed it two years ago, almost immediately plunged right down the toilet for an extended period, and has now resurrected itself again just in time. Combining the quality writing of PSW with the enthusiasm of Play, but without either of their drawbacks (lack of imagination and discipline respectively), Power is a warm, inclusive and lively read, complemented by a busy but clean and clear design. There’s no secret to it. It’s as simple as that.

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 109

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 6

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 58.71% (23 games)

GOOD FOR: Pretty much everything.

BAD FOR: Incredibly wrong opinions about Ridge Racer.

VERDICT: Better than all the rest.

EXTREME (Quay, £2.99 with free nothing)

132pp (13 ads)

Quay have recently announced that Extreme is being "rested" for a couple of months, but it’s hard to imagine anyone either noticing or caring very much. It’s not a bad mag – the design is clear and lively, the news is above average and there’s quite an original feature about using your PS for purposes other than gaming – but it’s not a very good one either, with a middling page count, the softest reviews in our sample and pretty mediocre writing. Strictly by-the-numbers stuff that’ll need a fairly dramatic rejig if it’s going to do anything noteworthy if and when it resurfaces.

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 91

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 5

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 73.74% (27 games)

GOOD FOR: Positivity.

BAD FOR: Reading next month.

VERDICT: So middle-of-the-road it’s been run down by a truck.

PLAY (Paragon, £2.99 with – hey! - free tips book)

132pp (27 ads)

My last Playstation-mags round-up featured an appeal to Paragon to "spend a bit of money" on Play, a magazine whose staff were clearly passionate and informed about their subject, but cruelly under-resourced. And sure enough, Play now only has the third-fewest number of editorial pages out of any of the PS mags, and only the second-lowest number of reviews. The strain is clearly beginning to tell on the writers, who seem to feel obliged to litter every piece of text with an exclamation! mark after every! three words all! the way through! the entire magazine! (the journalistic equivalent of laughing uproariously at your own jokes, and quite stupendously irritating after about page 10), but overall this is still a quality piece of work. In particular, Play’s news-gathering left the competition standing, with several genuine exclusives, refreshingly free of hysterical trumpeting of the fact.

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 80

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 2

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 68.31% (16 games)

GOOD FOR: News.

BAD FOR: SHOUTING!!!

VERDICT: For Christ’s sake, calm down.

PS PRO (Paragon, £2.99 with free PS2 book)

116pp (23 ads plus 1 house ad)

World Championship Snooker (Codemasters, £34.99). "There are few sports that make less money than snooker outside a junior school egg and spoon race that has neither eggs, nor spoons... Jimmy White’s gave you more options and extras than a butcher has over a whale’s carcass... this is pure snooker ‘action’ with a capital Q and it has no reason to feel ashamed... this is a back to the bones snooker game that takes careful aim and hits its target dead on the bully". Pardon?

REAL EDITORIAL PAGES: 73

PAGES OF FEATURE CONTENT: 3

AVERAGE REVIEW SCORE: 70.29% (14 games)

GOOD FOR: Submarine.

BAD FOR: Flamethrower.

READ-ME-FIRST NOTES:

"Real editorial pages" means just that – pages which contain new original content. Not included, then, are ads (obviously), directory sections (vastly the same every month), or tips (lazy-arsed space-filling as often as not nicked off the Internet or sent out to everyone by the publisher).

"Feature content" means real features about some actual subject, ie not previews by another name.

Review averages don’t include Playstation 2 reviews, since those don’t appear in every mag.

The issues reviewed were those current as of 21 June 2000.

WHO’S THE BEST?

Firstly, it should be noted that the general standard of PS mags has noticeably improved over the last couple of years. The number of gratuitous breasts has plummetted, as have the average review scores – four mags here showing averages below 60%, compared to just one previously – and the writing is better too, although that can partly be explained by the presence this time of the largely grown-up-oriented PSW. There’s still a clear winner, though.

1. POWER – only slightly ahead of Play quality-wise, but those 30 extra pages tip the balance.

2. PLAY – better than last year (except for the exclamations), and pulling in plenty of ads, but still badly underweight.

3. TOTAL STATION – leaves a bit to be desired yet, but effort and high feature content gains it places.

4. OFFICIAL PLAYSTATION MAGAZINE – still hypnotically dull, but ooh, that cover CD.

5. EXTREME – softest reviews overall, but good news and the odd spark of originality.

6. PSW – if they ever have an idea, it could be a great magazine.

7. PS PRO – largely gibberish. Jedi Power Battles on the cover, 84% review. Coincidence or magic? You decide.