NIGHT OF THE LIVING CENSORS
At the time of writing this, censorship is once again hitting the headlines, with Liberal Democrat MP David Alton trying to push an amendment about home videos through Parliament. The original bill called for the banning of all 18-rated videos, and specific references to the depiction of violence would also have prevented the release of critically-acclaimed films such as Reservoir Dogs and Schindler's List.

With these recent calls for tighter censorship and greater control over what we can and cannot be permitted to view, and in the light of all the fuss about Mortal Kombat, it's only a matter of time before the focus of media attention shifts back to computer games.

RESERVOIR CENSORSHIP
Games - harmless and enjoyable pastimes or blueprints for an antisocial, misogynistic and destructive lifestyle? Well, your view depends on how stupid you think people are. If you believe in the hypodermic theory of influence, then you're going to believe that violent games are terribly destructive, but if you give everyone just an ounce of common sense, then it's fairly obvious that people can distinguish between a bomb victim on the news and a dead civilian in Syndicate.

People say that one of the most potentially harmful aspects of video games is their interactive nature, so whereas you just watch carnage on TV, you actually choose who and what to main or destroy in video games. So if interactivity's the benchmark for harmful behaviour, we can also include playing hide and seek, tig and even football as examples of confrontational, interactive experiences, right?

STRAW CENSORS
The other argument people come up with is "We must protect the children." Well, we reckon that it's complete XXXXXXX to blame the teachers, the film makers, the programmers or society on this one. This one stands with the parents, and if they're going to leave 18 videos, adult-themed books and violent video games lying around where their kids can find them, then it's no one's fault but their own if they fall into the hands of the kids. We're sorry, but we took a vote around the office, and no one's prepared to watch Keeping Up Appearances, The Generation Game and Postman Pat for the rest of their lives on the off-chance that a small child may stay up and catch NYPD Blue.

A CLOCKWORK CENSOR
A word to parents:
See that button on the front of the TV? It's the 'Off' button, and if you don't want your kid to watch something, then press it. Are you concerned about what your kids play in their bedroom? Why not take an interest? Why not ask them about games? Don'y you think that you should be aware of what forms a large part of most children's recreation time? Talk to your children, how hard can that be? You own them and everything.

LAST EXIT TO CENSORSHIP
What have we learned from all this?

1 - Software companies aren't stupid.
Designing and marketting a game costs vast amounts of money, so no one's going to spend ages writing a game that shops won't sell and magazines won't advertise. The industry is self regulating, and has managed up to this point to produce games that aren't indecent or offensive. Unless you count Dangerous Streets, of course.

2 - Software buyers aren't stupid.
A game that sells itself on overtly sexual or graphic themes has got something to hide, probably the fact that it's completely crap. So what would you rather do, buy a useless game with a picture of a nude female in it, or buy something like Cannon Fodder? Of course you buy the good game. You're not stupid. (Are you quite sure about this one, Cam? - The authors of WWF Wrestlemania)

3 - Bureaucrats probably are quite stupid.
I think we've already covered that quite extensively, thanks.

Mass market appeal doesn't have to mean pandering to the lowest common denominator, or bowing before a self-declared representative body of outraged defenders of the nation's moral health. There's a generation that has lived with computers since childhood, and are now getting to their 30s, is it right that they should have their choice of entertainment restricted by someone in Whitehall who's probably never even seen a computer game? Censorship at any level represents a restraint on your basic rights as an individual, and we think anyone who tries it on with computer games should just XXXX XXXXX XXX. So there.

I SPIT ON YOUR CENSORSHIP
It's not only games which are subject to restrictions on what they can and can't feature - even AMIGA POWER has to tread carefully if it doesn't want to spend six months of the year in court. For example, we're simply not allowed to use words like XXXX, XXXX, XXXXXX, XXXXXXXXX, XXXXXX or even XXX. XXXXXXXX, eh? If we did, every newsagent in Britain would immediately pull the magazine from its shelves and we'd probably all be thrown in jail for ever. The British public is more sensitive to colourful language (like 'XXXXXXX XXXXX', say) than anything else (ask the BBC or ITV which films they get the most complaints about - violent ones, sexually explicit ones or ones with swearing in them - if you want proof of that), and we'd be more likely to get away with printing pictures of people having XXX with XXXXXXX than we would with saying 'XXXX'.

THE HILLS HAVE CENSORSHIP
We wanted to get a personal view on the effects of censorship on artistic merit, so we decided to employ a respected and experienced authority on the subject. Sadly, we then found out that we couldn't afford one, so instead we tied AP Dep Ed Stuart Campbell to a chair, forced him to watch the edited TV versions of RoboCop, Repo Man and Aliens one after the other, then stuck him in front of a typewriter, where he offered these thoughtful words of wisdom.

'Censorship? I'll tell you what I think about censorship. XXXXXX XXX I XXXX XXXX XX and XXXXXXX XXXXX XXXXX XXXXX. Furthermore, XXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXX the XXXXXXX XXX XXXX XXXXXX XXX XXXXXX of XXXXX XXXXX up their XXXXXX XXXX XXXXX to a XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXXX XXXX and XXXXXXX XXX XXXX XXXXX them. XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX!'

Thanks, Stu.

AMIGA POWER's closest scrape with the censors came six months ago, when Virgin released Sensible Software's long-awaited wargame XXXXXX XXXXXX. Both the box of the game and the cover of AP32 were supposed to feature a picture of a XXXXX, but the Royal British XXXXXX got wind of this plan, and quickly enlisted the help of the Daily XXXX and a couple of rentaquote XXXX XXs to present a storm of outrage to a disinterested public. In the face of a potential boycott of both XXXXXX XXXXXX and WH Smiths by quite literally dozens of AP-reading war veterans, not to mention the threat of a XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX, Virgin and Future decided to XXXX XXXX and came up with new images for their respective products.