Arkanoid DS that isn't rubbish.
Arkanoid DS, right? If so, sorry
for bringing it up again. I know those wounds took some time to
heal, and it's insensitive to raise the matter again so soon. But
there's something you need to know. It's really not as soul-tearingly
awful as you think.
Don't get me wrong - for
some reason beyond my imagining, it wants you to THINK it's awful.
That's why it made all the bricks square, made the playfield so tall
and narrow, filled so many of the levels with hateful, tedious walls
of gold and silver bricks, and put a big dead zone across the DS's
hinge just where the bricks start, so that for much of the time
you'll find the ball appearing for a tiny split second on the top
screen, hitting an indestructible gold brick, and then bouncing back
into the dead zone where it's invisible, before you've had any
amount of time to analyse its path and work out where it might
That the game does this
sort of thing for so many hours certainly constitutes reasonable
grounds for concluding that Taito hates you and deserves to be
killed. There have been few videogames ever created that are less
enjoyable than the first five hours of Arkanoid DS.
But Arkanoid DS has a
secret. It's one it's only prepared to share with the most dedicated
of fans, those who've proved their love by wading through all 28
zones and 145 miserable, awful rounds of tedious gold and silver
hell. And it knows what it's been doing, too. Because when it knows
that you've been infuriated and enraged past all normal human
tolerance, it presents you with a game called Uranoid. WoS is not
making that name up.
Uranoid is what Arkanoid
DS should have been in the first place. It's a linear 35-level run
like the first two coin-ops, and almost entirely comprises pretty,
well-designed, likeable stages.
The levels are largely
free of plagues of silver and gold bricks. There's a clever and simple high-score
mechanic, three different boss zones for replay value, and it's the
most fun Arkanoid since Doh It Again on the SNES in 1997.
Uranoid is as good as
the main game is bad, which is to say "very very". But WoS has never
held any truck with the theory that players should be made to endure
hours of drudgery in order to access a game's good bits, and there
doesn't appear to be any kind of cheat mode that unlocks Uranoid
from the start. Thank goodness, then, that we have the magic of videogame piracy.
Because without piracy
we wouldn't have flashcarts like the R4 and the TTDS, and without
flashcarts WoS wouldn't have been able to do all the unpleasant,
unjustifiable work for you and present you with an easy-to-use save
file which opens up Uranoid at the click (or more accurately, the
drag and drop) of a mouse.
This is it here.
The file is for the
European release of the game, but will work with the US and Japanese
versions too. All you need to do is unzip it and copy it across to
your flashcart, making sure that if necessary you change the
filename to match the name of your Arkanoid ROM file. (Naturally,
WoS does not condone such actions unless you own a
legitimately-purchased Arkanoid DS cartridge, but the save file
itself breaks no laws.)
Now when you boot up
Arkanoid DS on your flashcart, Uranoid will appear on the main
one-player menu. (You may also notice that the game has been
customised with some of the add-on graphics purchasable from the
in-game shop. If you'd prefer to play it in 'factory fresh' mode,
just go to Options, then Decoration, and select "Decoration Default"
which will reset all the visuals to the original settings.)
This exclusive save file
is WoS' gift to you, and also to the good people at Taito Inc.
Because murdering people is wrong, no matter how reasonable and
eminently justified it can sometimes seem. Enjoy Uranoid, viewers.